Friday, September 2, 2011

Just a thought


I have a thought concerning 2nd wives.............

Get your own husband and stay away from the married ones.  You cause nothing but problems and heartache.  You go about your "courting" / "marriage" without a thought of how your actions effect the family you are injecting yourself into.

My thoughts on Married men searching for and marrying 2nd wives...........

Learn a little self control.  Learn empathy and compassion.  Just because it is your "right" doesn't mean it is a "right" without consequences.  Your actions hurt your family.  Your need to have another bed partner will in no doubt hurt your current relationship.  Walk in your 1st wives shoes and ask your self if it is really worth the hurt and pain you cause her.  Ask your self if you would sacrifice what she is sacrificing just so the other one can be intimate, build a life and love another person.

My thoughts on 1st wives in this situation.............................

Hmmm, still trying to figure that one out.  As of now, I pretty much hate everyone and everything.  Doubt is a never ending feeling and thought that consumes my days and nights.  Doubting my choices, my life, my religion.

All because Islam gives men the right to sleep with, procreate with, and love more than one wife.  Meanwhile, I sit here wondering if it is all worth it in the end.

I love my husband with all of my heart.  This is what makes this so difficult. If he was an asshole who didn't love me or take care of me, then I would say Khalas!  Go already.  This isn't the case. I love him, just not the "right" that he has.

***BIG SIGH***

PS.  No comments from the peanut gallery or the self proclaimed "professional bloggers/haters" out there.  I am just needing to vent.

PSS....  This heartburn is killing me!  7 months pregnant and let me tell you, it's not all fun and games.  haha.   Can't wait to hold him and have the heartburn, swelling, waddling, and mood swings disappear.  And not to mention the daily injections of heparin I have to take until birth.  I love my baby and thank God every day that he finally blessed me after so many years of wanting a child, but boy oh boy, is he making me work for this!  :-)


  1. girl, shoot. I aint even pregnant and I feel exactly how you feel, only I am the unsuspecting 2nd wife who walked into someone's family totally unaware I was going to hurting so many people. This SUCKS. I am not buying the whole "oh, suffering in this life means means rewards in the next." uuurrggghhhhhh

  2. Awww :-/ I can't say I know how you feel, but coming from a Western background, I can understand completely the hurt you feel. I know if my husband remarried, I would be really upset. It would make me ask myself a lot of questions like was I not good enough for him so he took another wife? The only thing I kind of don't agree on (and please don't kill me haha) is blaming the woman for it. Your husband was looking for another wife, and he would have found one regardless of what you wanted. Maybe she sees polygamy different than you, and she doesn't understand how painful it is for you. I don't think it's her fault, or that she is a homewrecker. Maybe you should talk to Pixie? I know she is a second wife, and she says it's working out great for her and she's very happy. Maybe if you talk to her she can help you understand or help you learn how to deal with this situation to ease the pain and make your life happier? What does your husband say about this?

  3. @Kaighla .. I think it is a hard situation for everyone, first and seconds. No matter how you look at it, everyone's life will change. All my best to you and I hope all works out for you and your family.

    @Amal. That's just it. It is not in our culture (American) to be so accepting of this. I was ok at first but now, yeah...not so much. :-) At this point, I blame everyone, even myself. Second wives know the situation and know that they will be getting involved in a marriage all ready in progress. I still think they have it much easier. They start the marriage sharing so of course they adjust better than the first wife. I still think there are plenty of men to go around, no need to be grabbing the married ones. I do agree that if a man wants polygany, he will do it, irregardless if the women in his life agree or disagree.

    My husband is amazing. He has done everything under the sun to make this adjustment smooth, but, I am not adjusting... doesn't matter what he does. I know he loves me and I also know that this is something he feels he must do and in the end, it is all ready written for us isn't it?

    I still am not a fan of the 2nd wives club. Not sure I will ever be. I would love for them to have to go through this, I think the outcome would be different.

  4. @Asma Khan .. Thanks, you too! :-)

  5. Salam Daisy,

    I have never been in your situation nor personally known anyone who is/has.

    Your frustrations and pain is normal, I think anyone involved in a plural marriage, even in the best of situations goes through times like this.

    I think what you need to ask yourself is if this lifestyle is for you, I can see you love your husband and you are sacrificing a lot emotionally for this marriage.

    If the answer is yes this is what you want and are willing to accept then i think what needs to be done next is a lot of communication between you, your co wife and your husband.

    Daisy I'm sorry if I'm way off or if I've over stepped my boundaries. InshAllah I wish you the best and hope you are able to have what works best for YOU.

  6. Eid Mubarak -- wow 7 months already?? MashaaAllah!! I know with my 2nd baby I was like "yallah come out already!!" cuz of the heartburn, swollen feet/duck waddle ahhhhhh but as soon as he comes inshaaAllah, it will all be forgotten <3

  7. Salaam to you Muslim Convert. Thank you for your comment. Yes, it is something I am evaluating. It is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. I have decided to wait to make my decision after the baby comes. It just seems like my hormones are making most of my decisions lately.

    Salaam and Eid Mubarak aalia! Yes, 7 months. It has flown by, Mashallah! I am looking forward to the next chapter in my life with my new baby. :-) I have waited many years for this moment....


Life is too short to be hateful. Just because you disagree with something, doesn't make it wrong. I welcome your comments but please refrain from being hateful. :)