Monday, November 29, 2010

Nicotine....ohh how I miss you some days!!

Salaam Blogger world...

Ok, I have to admit. Quitting Smoking was good for my health. I can breath, I dont cough and hack, my teeth are white again and me and my clothes dont smell.


Ohhh how I miss it somedays! I was addicted and I guess I always will be. I miss the taste after a meal...on a break...when I am stressed...Always I guess. They say it gets easier with time. In a way. On the other hand, I think of it every day. I quit cold turkey when I moved to the middle east and became a Muslim...Alhamdullilah. I had a little slip a yr ago for about a week then quit again.
The reason I bring this up is Shisha. In the middle east it is everywhere! My husband smoked it a lot when we were first married and then stoped when I told him it made me want to smoke. Well, last night he came home smelling like shisha.

Ughhh!!! Marlboro where are you??

Yeah I know the dangers. I know its good I quit but I smoked for almost 17 yrs. In the end I was at almost 3 packs a day!! So you see, it will take a lot more years for me to get this out of my system.

God help me!!

Friday, November 26, 2010

A must see for all Non well as all of us Muslims... :)

Fish anyone??

Salaam Blogger world!

So, for the past few weeks I have had ZERO energy.  I am tired, moody and my body feels as though I have been hit by a truck!  I blamed it initially on jet lag but we came back on the 18th of the month so I cant use that crutch anymore.  Maybe I am just lazy..haha

What to say about today?  Hmmmm.  Oh... some of the "cuisine" here in the middle east grosses me out!  The "bowl of brains" is hands down the most disgusting thing I have encountered here.  It was fed to me without my knowing.  Lets just say that when I hear," Just try it, close your eyes"  I run the other way!!  Another issue for me is fish.  Ok, lets just say that I am not the worlds biggest fish eater.  If it comes in a box and says Mrs. Paul's or Vandekemps, I will eat it.  Although here in the Middle East on this Island I call home, there is no such thing.  Fish is a big part of their diet here. 

I go to my husbands family home today after Juma prayer only to find about 75 large humor and some other little type fish, on the menu for lunch.  YUCK!  Fish....ok....but this???  Still fully intact.  Eyes, teeth, scales insides and tail.....barf, barf, triple barf!!  Thank god my husband made them aware that I will run for the hills if I am made to eat that...So my wonderfull mother in law made me some of her fabulous kufta and rice...yummmy!

So, we go to eat and I am oblivious to the scene of utter carnage that awaits me.  If you don't know, in the Arab world we eat on the floor.  Not directly, but on a rug with a plastic "table cloth" laid out.  (You will know why in a moment)  Silver wear is not often used.  They prefer to eat with their hands.  My husband says the food tastes better.  I for one will always request a gafsha(spoon).  LOOL

Within moments they dig into the fish.  Little kids as young as 4 are also in on the act.  Its really something to see.  They waste NO PART OF MEAT ON THIS FISH...MASHALLAH!!  What is left is the head and empty bony body.  And then there is and my meatballs, rice and SPOON!!!  haha

It really has been interesting learning about new cultures and ways of doing things.  Its nice to see that his family wastes NO food.  Nothing gets thrown out or goes to waste.

So, back to the plastic "table cloth".  All the fish carcass and other scraps get put on the floor on our "table".  Plates get scraped off on to this as well.  When we are finished, the maid comes in and just folds our "table" up and in the garbage it goes!  Love it!  Easy clean up.

Anyways, that was my day.  No drama and laid back.  Came home and played battleship with my husband and napped with him and my kitty Sassy......It's been a good day!!  Alhamdulliah!!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

A little better

Salam blogger world...

So, I am better than I was earlier...Alhamdulillah!  I debated on taking down my post I wrote earlier but decided that I need to own how I feel.  That's how I felt then, khalas....I will leave it.  I came home to a big smile from my husband, 2 cats that run to the door to greet can I be angry or ungrateful?

I don't know what is going on with me really.  Obviously I am a bit depressed.  I am going to eat a little better, get some better sleep, hop back on the elliptical (may God help me) , get more sleep and give my notice at my AWFUL STRESSFUL HEADACHE OF A JOB!  Yep, I am quiting!  Khalas.. I am done as of Jan 1st.  It is not good for my mood or health so why stay?

I will take things moment by moment.  Right now day by day is too much....haha


Salam Blogger world. 

As I sit here on Thanksgiving I wonder about my life.  I am feeling very cynical lately and crabby and moody.  My poor husband is getting the brunt of it.  It's almost like I am pushing him into another woman's arms.  Sabotaging our relationship in a way. 

I rarely smile anymore.  I find fault in everything.   My body literally hurts every second of the day.  I have put on 10 lbs cause I just don't give a shit anymore.  I force myself to do the dishes and attempt to keep the house at least livable.  I still get up every morning before him, iron and lay out his clothes, get us both ready to go to work for the day.   We leave at the same time in the morning, 7:45am.  He is home by 2:30 and I am home by 5:30pm....Yet I am the one who does everything....  Is this Fair???  I call bullshit!

I am tired, sore and angry.  I feel bad for him in a way because I am not the same person I was just a few months ago.  I have changed.  I even told him to go get a "haram relationship".  Means nothing to me.  I have no interest in "that" anyways.

I am not writing this for pity.  I just want people to realize what the topic of Polygyny can do to a person.  I am drained and spent.  I feel as if the thought of him even considering the idea has put a wedge between us.  Nothing will be the same.  Even though, at the moment, he is not actively searching...I am fully aware that this can happen at any time.

I am numb. 

ALLAH says that women are weak creatures.  We are made from a crooked bone, don't try to straighten us or we will break.  If this is so, then why does he "test" us with this?  If we are so fragile, then why does this "higher power" so blatantly want to hurt us by allowing men to live a double, triple or quadruple life?  Hypocrisy if you ask me.  Then again, I am beginning to think most religion is.

I love my husband.  I do.  He is loving and affectionate and always has sweet words for me.  But does this come at what cost?  Do we as women give up our own happiness for the sake of our husbands?  Why do I have to get up before him, iron his clothes and make sure he gets ready for work?  Does anyone do that for me?  How is he any more "entitled" than I?  I work longer hours than he does.

Again.  This is not my husbands issue.  So please don't comment that he is a bad guy...blah blah...He is good.  I am the one that is questioning life, roles and religion.  Right now I care squat about any of them.

People say pray......Yeah...I pray.  Pray...and I pray.  Where does that get me?  In the state I am in now?  Ha!  So much for that.  If this is what praying can do than you can keep it.

So...what are you thankful for?  Me...........for having the patience to make it thru the day without total destruction....

Friday, November 19, 2010

Still American????

Salaam Blogger world!  I am

It's been a while I know.  I just got back from my trip to the United States.  It went very well I am pleased to say.  My husband is glad he is back home safe and not in some "Muslim detainment camp" which he was very afraid of...haha  Poor guy...

Anyways...I think I am now in an Identity crisis.  I am struggling with my new found religion(Islam) on a day to day basis.  Too many of "do this, don't do that"    I hate to say it but I am in a period of extreme doubt.  It is really hard for me to separate religion with culture, especially here in the middle east.  While in the states I observed hijab at all times.  Baggy clothes and my hair was always covered.  As soon as the plane lands here in the Middle East, back on the abaya and niqab and the use of my "Muslim name". Hmm...sounds hypicritcal to me.

I am frustrated, confused and feel as if I have lost my identity.  Why is it so hard to be an American Muslim here in the Middle east?  Why is it ok to be this way one day but not the next?

There are too many rules and obligations I have to follow here.  I don't like it, and I am feeling as though I need to go find myself again.  Let my dear husband find his "trophy Muslim wife" that will allow him 4 wives and find happiness within myself again. 

I believe in Islam but I think the weight of the scale is not tipped in my direction.  It truly is a mans world here.  I want to be able to practice my religion and live my life at the same time!

I am torn between what my life was like before Islam.  Honestly.... I miss it.  Who am I now?  American or Arab?  When I went to the States I felt like I was home.  People were friendly, speaking to was a nice change from the coldness I get here.

God help me and help us all...