Salam Blogger world.
As I sit here on Thanksgiving I wonder about my life. I am feeling very cynical lately and crabby and moody. My poor husband is getting the brunt of it. It's almost like I am pushing him into another woman's arms. Sabotaging our relationship in a way.
I rarely smile anymore. I find fault in everything. My body literally hurts every second of the day. I have put on 10 lbs cause I just don't give a shit anymore. I force myself to do the dishes and attempt to keep the house at least livable. I still get up every morning before him, iron and lay out his clothes, get us both ready to go to work for the day. We leave at the same time in the morning, 7:45am. He is home by 2:30 and I am home by 5:30pm....Yet I am the one who does everything.... Is this Fair??? I call bullshit!
I am tired, sore and angry. I feel bad for him in a way because I am not the same person I was just a few months ago. I have changed. I even told him to go get a "haram relationship". Means nothing to me. I have no interest in "that" anyways.
I am not writing this for pity. I just want people to realize what the topic of Polygyny can do to a person. I am drained and spent. I feel as if the thought of him even considering the idea has put a wedge between us. Nothing will be the same. Even though, at the moment, he is not actively searching...I am fully aware that this can happen at any time.
I am numb.
ALLAH says that women are weak creatures. We are made from a crooked bone, don't try to straighten us or we will break. If this is so, then why does he "test" us with this? If we are so fragile, then why does this "higher power" so blatantly want to hurt us by allowing men to live a double, triple or quadruple life? Hypocrisy if you ask me. Then again, I am beginning to think most religion is.
I love my husband. I do. He is loving and affectionate and always has sweet words for me. But does this come at what cost? Do we as women give up our own happiness for the sake of our husbands? Why do I have to get up before him, iron his clothes and make sure he gets ready for work? Does anyone do that for me? How is he any more "entitled" than I? I work longer hours than he does.
Again. This is not my husbands issue. So please don't comment that he is a bad guy...blah blah...He is good. I am the one that is questioning life, roles and religion. Right now I care squat about any of them.
People say pray......Yeah...I pray. Pray...and I pray. Where does that get me? In the state I am in now? Ha! So much for that. If this is what praying can do than you can keep it.
So...what are you thankful for? Me...........for having the patience to make it thru the day without total destruction....
Assalamu alaikum sis. This is probably the most depressing thing I have ever read in my life! Where are you going???
ReplyDeleteAllah tests us for our own good. The prophets were tested much greater than you are and they were patient. Whoever is patient Allah says they will get countless rewards on the day of judgement!
Instead of saying WHY MEEEEEEE???!! Say, Oh Allah there is no help except your help. And keep on it. You won't be wronged.
Allah says,
"Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, "When (will come) the Help of Allah?" Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!"
2:214
Keep positive, keep truckin', swimmin', whatever. Just trust in Allah.
And remember that everything you do (cooking, cleaning, etc) in a day could turn into rewards as long as you do it for the sake of Allah.
Alaikum Salam..... Alhamdulillah.. I am better than this morning..thats for sure.. lol I am just fed up at the moment and sometimes I just want to run and scream. I take it hour by hour...and as of this hour, I am doing ok. Inshallah...
ReplyDeleteasalamu alaikum,
ReplyDeleteJust recently, someone very dear to me fell ill and found out that she could not concieve. I was so devasted and upset that I stayed depressed for days.. after a few days, i realised that my faith was getting weaker, I began questioning life and asking Whys and how and but, and "if". After I did this I realised that I was questioning my lord, the one who created me, gave me everything while others had nothing and were patient saying AL hamdulilah. I felt extremley foolish. I was jepordising my relationship with Allah swt for the sake of some wordly problems. Is it worth it when I know that I will return to Allah in the end? I repented and promised Allah that I would never question him or ask why, only he will ask me Why.
Your husband is with you now, but he could die tomorow or you two can have differences and get divorced (god forbid), is he really worth feeling angry?
So far Allah swt hasnt decreed that your husband marry another woman if he has, he would be married by now.
I have read your blog for a while and I feel so bad for you, even though you knew this was going to happen.
ReplyDeleteHappy Holidays
~Abby
I am a lot better today. No more "pitty party" here. Yep, I did know that this was going to happy.....dosent make it easier but it makes it a lot better than finding out 10 yrs and 5 kids later! haha
ReplyDeleteHappy Holidays to all of you!
I don't want to sound rude, really I am not trying to so please don't take it that way. Have you considered seeing a doctor or therapist about depression? You've gone through so many life changes recently it is pretty natural to get depressed. I speak from experience. Take care of yourself and I send happy thoughts and good wishes your way. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI am thankful for my freedom. My 2 beautiful boys and my husband.
ReplyDeleteKeep blogging! Good and bad.
:)
Slm! I feel so sorry for you. Women whose husbands 'surprise' them with polygamy at least got to enjoy the years of monogamy before the 'shock'. You're not even enjoying having him to yourself because you know what may be looming. Polygamy is a godsend to women who are happy with it, and for whom it is an improvement on what would otherwise be their lot in life. You are struggling to accept it because you are wondering whether you couldn't 'do better' than having to share your husband. And Allah may have put you on this path, but you made the decision. Your free will determined your situation. You weren't 'born' into a potentially polygamous marriage. I'm not saying this to be nasty, but to show you that you had, and still have, power over your situation. Talk to your husband about how you feel. This is a test for him too, and surely he can appreciate how hard this is for you.(BTW does he come from a polygamous family?) One of you might have to renege on what they want out of this marriage. You are not required to be depressed and unhappy. (BTW the housework and ironing is sadaqah too :-) i.e. not required. In fact, the sunnah is for the husband to help in the house, and that's apart from being the SOLE breadwinner)
ReplyDeleteI'm curious, what line of work is your husband in that he can work half-day and support four wives no questions asked?
ReplyDeleteMy husband has a good job and multiple business. There is no worry about his ability to support more wives.....unfortunatly.
ReplyDelete