Salam Blogger world.
As I sit here on Thanksgiving I wonder about my life. I am feeling very cynical lately and crabby and moody. My poor husband is getting the brunt of it. It's almost like I am pushing him into another woman's arms. Sabotaging our relationship in a way.
I rarely smile anymore. I find fault in everything. My body literally hurts every second of the day. I have put on 10 lbs cause I just don't give a shit anymore. I force myself to do the dishes and attempt to keep the house at least livable. I still get up every morning before him, iron and lay out his clothes, get us both ready to go to work for the day. We leave at the same time in the morning, 7:45am. He is home by 2:30 and I am home by 5:30pm....Yet I am the one who does everything.... Is this Fair??? I call bullshit!
I am tired, sore and angry. I feel bad for him in a way because I am not the same person I was just a few months ago. I have changed. I even told him to go get a "haram relationship". Means nothing to me. I have no interest in "that" anyways.
I am not writing this for pity. I just want people to realize what the topic of Polygyny can do to a person. I am drained and spent. I feel as if the thought of him even considering the idea has put a wedge between us. Nothing will be the same. Even though, at the moment, he is not actively searching...I am fully aware that this can happen at any time.
I am numb.
ALLAH says that women are weak creatures. We are made from a crooked bone, don't try to straighten us or we will break. If this is so, then why does he "test" us with this? If we are so fragile, then why does this "higher power" so blatantly want to hurt us by allowing men to live a double, triple or quadruple life? Hypocrisy if you ask me. Then again, I am beginning to think most religion is.
I love my husband. I do. He is loving and affectionate and always has sweet words for me. But does this come at what cost? Do we as women give up our own happiness for the sake of our husbands? Why do I have to get up before him, iron his clothes and make sure he gets ready for work? Does anyone do that for me? How is he any more "entitled" than I? I work longer hours than he does.
Again. This is not my husbands issue. So please don't comment that he is a bad guy...blah blah...He is good. I am the one that is questioning life, roles and religion. Right now I care squat about any of them.
People say pray......Yeah...I pray. Pray...and I pray. Where does that get me? In the state I am in now? Ha! So much for that. If this is what praying can do than you can keep it.
So...what are you thankful for? Me...........for having the patience to make it thru the day without total destruction....