Sunday, March 27, 2011

Explain your reasoning...

Salaam Alaikum to you all...

I have a topic that I have wanted to address for quite some time now.  I have read on other peoples blog posts, comments and have had many comments on my own blog pertaining to this as well.  These are some of the statements people that make that I believe are false...

*A husband can not marry without his wives permission.
*A husband can not marry more than's really not halal.
*A husband can only marry another wife if the first is ugly, barren or crazy
*A husband can only marry another wife if he is rich.
*You, first wife, should have a new house, car, and many things before your husband marries again.
*Your husband can only marry someone that is divorced with children.

I am sure there are more "statements" that I can not think of at this moment.  If any of you have heard any of these crazy statements...please share them.

Listen, whether we(women) like it or not, ALLAH swt in his infinite wisdom has mad polygyny halal.  HE said that they can marry 2, 3 or 4 but must remain just between them.

I am not a polygyny advocate.  My husband has married again and I have accepted this as a part of my life.  I am not ugly, crazy or barren.....LOOOOL

I am looking for CLEAR PROOF AND EVIDENCE..  Not just opinions.  If you are going to go against something that ALLAH swt has decreed , I and everyone else, would like to know how you come to that conclusion.  Hadiths, ayats...something to make the above statements true.

Thanks...  :)  I look forward to this conversation..  


  1. A husband does not even need reasons to marry. He could be married to the most beautiful woman in the world with 5 kids and still decide to get married again. In the Qur'an Allah says the man can marry 2,3,4 but its better to marry 1. i dont know why people think there has to be something wrong with the first for the man to marry the second. What about when he marries a third is there something wrong with the second? Does he keep marrying until the fourth one, theres nothing wrong with her? Subhan'Allah. If that was the case then ALlah swt would have stated in the quran.. but i think people try to look for reasons why a man needs to re-marry in order to make polygany look better to those who dont understand it. or look better for non-muslims but i will simply say it how it is. A man can marry 4. period. so what??

  2. Thank you Sarah!!! Very well put! Mashallah! I have been given all these reasons why a husband should not marry more than I am some old hideous woman and thats why he does it. YA ALLAH!! I hope this will open the dialouge and get more people actually following the decree and will of ALLAH than fighting it with their western way of thinking...inshallah

  3. Ok i have been away for a while, had a little time on my hands so i figured now was a good time to come out of retirement and respond. So in regards to this statment "You, first wife, should have a new house, car, and many things before your husband marries again."

    Yes, i agree with this 1million % lol . Why, well this is how i look at it, life is hard. And we work hard for nice things in this life and the next. Am i a money hungry gold digger? no, will I pay bills around the house so husband can pay more stuff equally for #2 ? Heck no! I feel a first wife should be maintained at the standard she was living to or better before she met her husband, before she he can get a 2nd. So many other thigns change as a result of polgyny in a relationship, time, affection, privacy just everything. At least if a brother is trying to excersie his rights he better be taking care of the first like a queen. No need to try add people to the team if your eating beans & rice everyday for months..Can I get a crab cake? Some steak? lol just saying, this is my own personal opinion. But this is also in my contract that my husband is supposed maintain me at the level i was used to or better before he even came along. I was used to a good level so it is what it is. I am not against polygamy, just feel a brother needs have all his ducks lined up before he makes that step.

  4. Thanks Jaiyana, and welcome back! I appreciate your comment and opinion and am all for "living the good life" LOOL but is there any Islamic backing of it? Do you know of anywhere, other than ones own personal contract, does it state that you should have all the material things before he marries? Also, any opinion on the issue of people saying marrying a second is only based on such and such and can only be done because the first wife is lacking in a certain area??

  5. Lol, umm as far as islamic backing to my opinion lol well these are just my thoughts and how I feel, i would have to research it a little more ask the imam here or something to see if my argument holds any water lol..maybe not but it sounds good lol, Re-read your post, guess i shouldve did my research before responding. ;-)

  6. hehe.. Yeah, its a kind of tricky. I think the Islamic ruling will stand if it is stated in a Marriage contract. As far as just something men should follow, that I dont think is the case. I dont think the first wife should have to sacrifice anything for the husband to marry a second... That is also my opinion. Whether it holds any Islamic basis to it...I am not sure.

  7. As salaamu alaykum!

    Mashaa'Allah, it's amazing how realistic everything becomes once we seek clear evidence from the Quran and Hadith. I can see that pregnancy definitely agrees with your thought processes, mashaa'Allah!

    One of the most interesting things I have found regarding polygyny is a direct quote from the Quran that says, take 2,3, or 4....and if you cannot be fair to them, then only one. It didn't start telling the men to take one wife and then if they can, take more. It started by commanding the men to take 2, 3, or 4! We can argue and opine as much as we like, but Allah's words are written exactly as He meant them.

    Anyway, I wrote some other stuff, but it's such a good subject that I will make a post of it inshaa'Allah, LOL. Basically, once we look at how Prophet Muhammad, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, lived polygyny, we will have a decent picture of how much we can legitimately request with proof.

    Barak Allahu feeki yaa zahraaty!
    (Allah's Blessings on you my flower!)

  8. Thanks Mai :) Yes, please I look forward to your post. I have gotten so much "slack" for my husband taking another wife....its pitiful! He shouldnt have done this.. he shouldnt do that, why dont you have this? Ughh! Its frustrating. Everyone looks at me like I am lacking something. I look forward to reading your post... Inshallah

  9. @Mai
    How about the whole verse? "If you fear you cannot be equitable to the orphans THEN..."
    two or three or four, and so on. The if-then construction of the sentence assumes one spouse, giving the permission to marry more in the interest of stopping injustice, then reverts back to one if further injustice is feared due to having more than one. That's the way it reads in Arabic quite clearly (I think you are having lessons, yes? It will become clearer then, inshaallah).

    I think you mean you've been getting a lot of flack, certainly, if people are bothering you, they're not cutting you much slack ; )

    As for having the first wife's permission, I think that's a matter for confusion. Permission isn't required, per se, but agreement is implied. If a woman objects, then a compromise should be reached (e.g., putting the idea aside for a time, further discussion, etc.), because *forcing* someone into polygyny is a form of oppression and we're not allowed to oppress others, least of all our spouses. It's also a matter of good manners and kindness, quite simply. If a man thinks so little of his wife that he doesn't even consult her, then obviously, he has serious issues. There can be no care or lovingkindness in a relationship in which one persons needs and wishes are disregarded.

  10. @amatullah76.. Yes,you are correct, it is Thanks for the correction. My High School English teacher thanks you too... hahah..
    I do agree with you on the first point. I can not imagine a Man not consulting his wife. We are to treat each other with kindness and compassion. I dont believe that men that go to marry someone else without full disclosure is being just an fair. What happened to having to announce the marriage? How can he do that when it is a big secret to the one of the most important people in his life? With that being said, I still feel that Islam gives the husband the choice to marry, WITHOUT needing to gain acceptance and agreement from the first wife.

  11. As salaamu alaykum wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh Amatullah76.

    Inshaa'Allah your day is blessed and joyous - ameen!

    Barak Allahu feeki for your kind words of encouragement. Yes, I am studying Arabic. Yes, I can read and understand. Yes, I live in Madinah and study with the wives of the students at the Islamic University. Yes, my words, blog contents, hadith, tafseer, etc. are read by them, their husbands, and confirmed by scholars who we seek guidance and clarification from.

    However, that is beside the point. What is the point, at the end of the day, is that polygyny is permissible, the Prophet (salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam) and his sahaba (radhi Allahu anhum) practiced it, and it is quite possible for Muslims today to practice it well if they adhere to the examples and guidelines given.

    If you take from a different shaykh, or understand the whole thing slightly differently that me, it's not sending us to the hellfire inshaa'Allah.

    I have a friend whose husband didn't tell her about marrying until afterwards. He did it for fear of upsetting her. Of course, it upset her more and broke the trust. In this arena, there are men who are careless of their wives' feelings and there are men who make errors of judgement. May Allah guide them and us all.


Life is too short to be hateful. Just because you disagree with something, doesn't make it wrong. I welcome your comments but please refrain from being hateful. :)