Friday, March 4, 2011

The new wife

Salaam Alaikum....

How do I switch from the only wife to one of two?  How do I keep these feelings of sadness in check?  When will my life stop feeling like a funeral?

I am in the US visiting my family but all I can think of is sharing my husband.  As I sit here now he is chatting with his new wife.  I don't know how to do this.

I don't know if I want this.


  1. Oh man :(
    That must be so difficult... I'm sorry :-/

  2. This depends on how you want to approach the whole thing, but the key is to focus on your marriage with him and your life together. He could be chatting with a friend or family or his's just normal communication with someone else. Is he your same sweet husband? Is your relationship still beautiful and blessed? Don't put yourself into him and her, or him and anyone else, just put yourself into him and you.

    I guarantee if you do that, you will find yourself getting through this on a totally different level.

    I'm not sure if I missed you telling us that he actually married but it is quite something that he is there in the US with you and away from the new wife. Is this going to mean a long time division when you return?

  3. Yes, he has married. The wedding will be later when he travels there this summer. But everything else is done. So, time devision isn't an issue as of yet. He is the one that insisted being with me on this trip(my mother has had brain surgery) so that is why he is with me.

    Right now I cant see past the hurt. Maybe with time, but right now all I have is hate inside of me. It is hard to separate my self from this when it is in my face. She speaks to me and wants to be BFF's and he will speak of our "fairy tale" life together. The three of us... I would rather puke now. I really would like just to stay here and let him live his life.....This is where I am at now. I am sure this will change ... just like the weather...

  4. Al hamdu l'Illah that there is time before the wedding. Al hamdu l'Illah that he is there with you. Al hamdu l'Illah that you have someone who is talking to you and really wants to be on your team. Al hamdu l'Illah that you have their optimism and consistency during this emotional and very difficult time.

    Channel your hate towards shaytaan instead of boiling it on your internal burner. He's monopolizing on your situation...your mother's critical health situation and the polygyny. Scream at that rotten devil to leave you alone. Shout out, "Audhu b'Illahi min as-shaytaan ir-rajeem!" every time you feel that hate. Shout Subhaan Allah! Al Hamdu l'Illah, La Illaha ila Allah, Allahu Akbar! Call on Him, "Ya Rabbi...Allah! Help me, soothe me, guide me, heal me."

    You may read this and think, "Okay Mai I'll do that later." But PLEASE do it now...and do it again and again to combat those feelings. I've been there, I know, and it's foolproof, bi ithn Illah.

    I love you. Please take the advice from Mai, Dai.

  5. Dear sister. Know that I make duaa for you so that Allah can make this difficult situation easier for you!! I send you lots of love and hugs and will continue praying for you.

  6. @mai
    I like you, i really do but sometimes you just have to accept that polygany is not easy for everyone.

    please feel free do what feels best for you. If you feel any injustice done towards you please ask Allah for help and guidance and don't ever put yourself through something you can't handle. xox hugs.

  7. That is really sad, sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure it does matter to some degree if the husband was a sweet kind man before hand. A least then you can have hopes of being happy with him again someday. Inshallah I hope the best for you.

  8. I agree with Sarah Bint Muhammed. Islam is supposed to be a religion of ease, and if this one part if causing you so much pain and hate, Daisy... Maybe you need to reevaluate your life. I am *not* saying divorce your husband and run for the hills... I just mean, look at the grander picture: Do you think you can learn to accept this over time and you're just in initial shock, or do you think this will be a big problem for the rest of your lives? You have to be careful this won't cause you to really resent your husband and subconsciously destroy your relationship. Either way, I really wish you the best. Please take care & I hope your mother is doing better as well :)

  9. Make istikhara, pray for guidance and whatever your decision, don't be swayed by others telling you what you must do (i.e. you HAVE to stay or you're a bad Muslim, or you HAVE to leave or you have no self-respect)believe me, whatever you decide, people will be telling you you've made the wrong decision. You have only to answer to your Creator, He knows what's best for you, whether it be to stay or go.

  10. Salam Daisy,

    I wish I can give good advice or tell you everything will work well. All I can say is wats been said before. If you feel this is something you cannot accept do what's feel right. Pray and ask for guidance. Islam is a great religion and Allah give us test but he doesn't want us in pain or be in a situation that mentally we cannot cop with. If you're husband lives Islam and loves you I am sure he will rethink his decision and work for your relationship to work out.

    In the end you decide to stay or change you're situation. Some relationships work out some don't only Allah knows.

    With love your friend

  11. Thank you everyone for your advice. I am doing better. I have made istikahra as suggested and I believe that I am where I need to be at this moment in my life. I am still in the United States visiting family and My Aunt said to me the other day, "You were married to XX for 13 yrs and together for 17 and I never saw him (XX) look at you with as much love as I see your new husband look at you"... Mashallah!

  12. Al hamdu l'Illah! I will accept that dazzlingly beautiful news as my Jumu'ah Mubarak gift! Nobody can take away what you have with your husband, because it is yours...a gift, a blessing, and sometimes a test from Allah...but from ALLAH!

    Much love and a big hug across the ocean!


Life is too short to be hateful. Just because you disagree with something, doesn't make it wrong. I welcome your comments but please refrain from being hateful. :)