Anger and the Dark place

I cant seem to stop the anger from growing inside me.  Its like a dam that is about to break and the only thing holding the seam together is a piece of tape.  I am disgusted at times with this life.  I pray to God every day that I am caring a son, a daughter growing up here in the Middle East will never fully experience the life I would want her too.  I dont ever want her to go thru the pain that I am having to endure with polygyny.  I want her to feel the wind in her hair, the sun on her skin and the hand shake of a colleague without being labeled a slut.  Only Men here are truly free.  Free to enjoy the sun, the wind and the freedom to explore their surroundings.  If they want, they can marry 4 wives so they will never run out of "a new piece".  They dont have to cover who they are because men cant be held accountable for not "lowering their gaze".

We all make choices in our life.  There is a fork in the road for each one of us.  Why some of us choose the road to the right or the road to the left, we will never know.  Some of us are escaping from something in our past, some just want to try a new path.  What ever road you choose to go down, dont ever sell your self out.  Always remember who you are and where you came from.  Dont burn the bridges you leave behind, once gone, they can never be replaced.  Dont ever dim your light for someone.  Stand fast to your convictions and dont bend with the wind.

I think of Karma a lot, especially lately.  I was a bad person years ago, I wasn't a good wife.  I was young and wanted to experience life.  I did. If  I were to apologize every day for the rest of my life to my ex husband, it could never be enough. I never knew the consequences of my actions so many years ago would be in my face today.  I guess I have to accept it and carry on with my life and the punishments Karma makes me endure.

I just needed to vent. Maybe its my hormones, who knows.  Maybe its like getting the truth out of a drunk person....  I am not seeking pity nor do I want to hear that Allah will take care of me.  Right now, I am alone with my anger, there is no room for HIM.  HE wouldn't like what is going thru my head at the moment anyhow...

Hey :) Some updates

Salaam Alaikum everyone!!  I hope your day is wonderful and your faith is high!

My day is going ok.  I had another Dr. apt last night and baby is doing well, Mashallah!  I came home a couple hours early from work because I was having some slight cramping and uneasy feeling, I needed to lie down.  So, here I am on the couch, with my feet up.  My weight is beginning to worry me.  I feel very fat and can only imagine what I will be like at 9 months.  :(  I walk every day but I dont think it is working.  Once I get into my second trimester, I may join a womens swim club....just some light exercise and they say swimming is good when pregnant, even if I just walk around in in circles and swim a little bit.

The days are ticking away for my hubby to go to his new bride.  I am getting very anxious about this but....what to do.. It is what it is and I just got some fabulous advice from Mai(thank you) so I think I will be ok.

As for you women and men who live in the States...Please dont ever complain about your healthcare again!  Move here to the Middle East and then you can complain.  I miss my medical care back home.  I absolutely hate it here.  Our choice are, Local, Indian or Filipino Dr's.  No offence, but they lack the "skill" of an American Dr. and have a way of doing things themselves.  My information I am getting for my pregnancy is done off from web md as my Dr does not fill me in on anything.  I have been to a couple different Dr.s to see if one would click a little better than the other....nope, they are all the same.   In and out in a couple min.  I went last night because I was spotting a little bit the other day.  After doing my research ..web md.. i found out it was nothing to worry about and just to follow up with my ObGyn.  So, I go last night, tell her I was spotting a few days prior but that it wasnt bright red and she just nodded and said.. "ohh".  Well, your baby is fine.  She didnt explain anything to me..Ughh..  I hate the healthcare here.

Another story..  As many of you may know, your plumbing slows down a bit in early pregnancy.  Well, mine has come to a screeching halt( tmi...sorry)  I am talking a month....NO JOKE.  I was miserable.  I couldn't eat, sleep or function like a normal person..  Well, when I knew there was no more room for anything, and the medicine they gave me was not working, I went to the local health center.. BIG MISTAKE.  The Dr informs me that its normal.  I said, yes.....slowing down of the plumbing is normal...but stopping completely??? That is not normal!  I am sick, throwing up and my belly is distended like I am already 8 months pregnant.  I have gained 2 kg in 2 weeks!!  Nothing is coming out....I need help!  He said, its normal, what would you like me to do about it??!  I said, A MONTH IS NOT NORMAL!!  Sheesh! He just sat there, refused to help me ... I got up and left...my husband was still sitting in the chair with his stupid black berry...lool   I came home and self remedied the situation my self.   Dr's!  I swear...  So.. next time you start to complain....DONT... be grateful for the healthcare you have, they way you are treated and cared for.. You dont get that here.

So, we are looking for a new place to live.  I am doing some research and am in LOVE with Amwaj Islands...its like a piece of paradise.. I want to live there so bad I can taste it!  I am going to go look at a place on Saturday....Not sure what he will do with his new wife....she aint moving with me...loool  My house, my money, my rules....and no second wives are allowed...LOOOL

So, as my new found British colleagues say....Cheers!

Block??

Salaam to all of you lovely people out there....

I hope you are all well and my best wishes go out to you and your family....Inshallah, Allah watches out for all of us...  Quick update...Baby is doing well.  I am growing and the sickness is subsiding or the medicine I am taking for it is helping.  Either way, I am grateful to be getting back to "normal"  Mashallah!  I informed my new boss that I was pregnant and she was supportive and wonderful.  Its been a pretty good few days..Inshallah, it will continue.  :-)

Question:

How do you block people if they are not "following you" but still have a blogger act? Any suggestions?  I have a "follower" who has shown me in the past and present that they lack any sort of common decency.  Name calling, insulting my husband, family and my wishes to have a child.  I just don't want this person to have access to my blog anymore.  My blog....my decision.

So, if any of you know if I can block them, let me know.  If I cant, and this blogger is reading this, consider every message you send to me deleted before being read.  You irritate me and I do not agree with your thought process one bit.  I should have ignored you the minute you said I had a fake husband and my desire to have a child with a man who was going to marry a 2nd wife was sick and disgusting.  Good Bye to you.  Go on your way and "professionally blog" on someone else's post!  I wish the best for you but I dont have to like you, and as you have shown me from your comments, you dont like me.  So go on your way....

To all of the rest of you wonderful people out there... Have a great week!  :-)

I am ashamed to say it...

A long time back I was pro abortion rights.  I was the one on the other side of the Pro Life argument... Screaming at the protestestors that its a womans body, it's her right to choose.  I would drive by the "crazy church people" that would holding up signs of an aborted fetus and yell obsenities at them, all the while never really looking at the pictures.  I can honestly say that I never really saw them, the photos.  I always had a way of blocking it out, never looked into what actually happens during an abortion.  I even went to the abortion clinic with a good friend of mine back in High School for "moral support".

We always have justifacations for things we do.  In the case of abortion it was always, she is too young, she needs to finish school, she was raped,  she is unable to support another child....it was always something.  I can honestly say, up until just recently, I still believed it is up to the woman.  It is her life and we all need to answer to HIM in the end, who are we to judge??

In todays society we have programs to Save the Whales, Save the Tigers, Save the earth...all good causes, yes.  How can we save a whale but not a child?  Are we that primitive of a society that we dont understand these babies are crying out in pain when their mothers abort them??

I typed in 9 week gestation to see the growth of my baby and  instead I was shocked to see aborted fetus'.  I am disgusted and saddened that this is allowed to go on.

I think it should be allowed in extreme cases but who determines extreme?  I just dont have a good answer to this issue.  I guess I am still in shock over how they actually conduct these abortions.  Now that I have a baby growing inside me, I am appalled that someone could do this to an unborn child.  Beyond sick.

Kudos to all of you Mom's!!

May God help me thru this first trimester...  I have never been so sick in my life.  My day is a constant stomach ache, vomiting, headaches, constipation(tmi.. sorry), swollen hands and sore you know what.  I have every ill that one would have in the first trimester.  You name it, I have it.  I go to the Dr. tonight and hopefully she can help me.  I understand now, since I am going thru it, why Islam puts such a high status on the Mother.  I have told my Mother a few times in the last week how appreciative I am for what she did for me.  Bringing me into this world.  Mashallah!

My hats are off to all of you Mothers out there!  May God reward all of you for the struggles you have endured...

Even thru all of my trials with this pregnancy, I am still forever grate full for these little blessings growing inside of me... I just wish they would stop making Mommy so sick!!  LOOOOl

My realization and some questions.

As  Salaam Alaikum everyone!!

I have been thinking a lot about when my husbands 2nd wife comes here to live.  I was, at one time, ok with us sharing a villa.  I actually bounce back and forth on the idea.  Lately some issues have come to head that I am not ok with.  Do I want to bear witness to a new love "budding"???  Do I want to hear her constantly say , "Where is he?  Why does he work so much? "  She does all of this now, I can not imagine what life would be like if I lived with her!  There are a lot more issues as well.  And I am sure she would not like my attitude either..haha.  I am very much an introvert.  I dont like to "hang out" and just idle chit chat.  I prefer to be by myself and have my own way of doing things.  I am sure I would get on her nerves in no time.

So now I can say, I dont want to live together.  I am not closing the door on this completely.  Who knows what the next year or two will bring.  Right now, I just want to have my own home...me and my babies.

Next point I want to ask you all about.  I have accepted a job.  Yes, I know I am pregnant.  :)  This is something I just couldn't turn down.  I dont want to hear that my husband is to support me 100%..yada yada yada.. I know this.  Me getting a job has nothing to do with that.  Considering this job is NOTHING like my previous....

If my job enables me to move into a better location, on my dime, is my husband required to spend on her the same?  Mind you, I will be paying for this home.  It will be mine, my money.  This is how I want it.  Something of my own for me and my children.  I dont want her to live here....period..  haha   Does my husband have to give her the same value of house that I have?

Again, please, no comments on how I dont have to/need to work, your husband needs to support you....blah blah blah.. I know all of this and I am well taken care of.  This is a different issue.  Thanks!  :)

Pick 3 any 3.....

As Salaam Alaikum .......

If there was one Surah in the Quran that you feel is the most beneficial to memorize, what would it be?

If you had to pick 2 du'as that are very important to memorize and use on a daily basis, what would it be?

My goal in the next 2 weeks is to learn one Surah and 2 du'as and recite them in perfect Arabic, Inshallah.  I feel since I am laying in bed doing nothing anyhow, why not make use of my time?  I need to take these next 7 months and learn as much as I can so I am not a complete idiot to Islam when my child arrives.  I feel as though there is so much I need to learn and ALLAH swt has given me this time to use it.. Supanhallah!  I should use my time wisely.

So, tell me....which 3 would you pick?  Keep in mind, my memory is not that good.  I joke that I am a 34 yr old Alzheimer patient...but really, some days I feel like it.  I dont think I have a problem with the really short Surahs and think I can graduate to the next level.

Thanks for your help!    

Whats in a name?

Salaam Alaikum everyone....

I was just sending an email out to a friend and I signed it my "Muslim name".  Then, I sent one to my father and I signed it my "Christian name".......hmmmm

I am confused... Who the heck am I?? loool  Sometimes I forget who knows me as what.  My family back in the States call me my Christian name while friends and family here only know me as Ayah.  All of my legal documents have my birth name.  Even my marriage contract.  The only thing that has Ayah on it is my Shahadda.  So, where does that leave me??  Confused, all the time..lool

I took the Muslim name Ayah because of its meaning.  Signs and proofs from Allah, thats how I felt when I came to Islam 2 years ago.  He gave me signs and proofs that this is what I needed to do..Alhamdulillah!  I believed it would help me "blend in to the Muslim society" better.  Now I am wondering if that was such a good idea.

I think we are all unique.  Why try to change who we are to fit in?  Shouldn't I have learned this in High School?? lool  I miss my old name, my old identity.  I believe I can be a good Muslim and still hold on to my birth name.  I mean, its a pretty basic American name, nothing against Allah or his messenger(Pbuh).  My problem is this, how can I say, "Well, Ayah was nice, but I prefer you call me (insert name here) now".  My husbands whole family know me by Ayah, some dont even know that is not my birth name.

The point I am getting at is I dont think it is necessary to change your name when you become a Muslim.  I chose my name Ayah because it meant something special to me, and I was told it was a good thing to do.  Now I am having doubts.

What do you all think???

So this is what its like....

As Salaam Alaikum...

So, I am rounding the corner of week 7 and now feeling the effects of full blown morning sickness and bloat.  Wow!  I feel hungover, for those of you that have been down that road before can relate.

Crackers and 7-up....they have made a constant bedside companion.

I love every minute of it!!  Mashallah!  Bring it on...I am ready!

Ok, off to bed I go.  It seems I am less likely to hug the porcelain  throne if I am in the horizontal position..

Irritated

As Salaamu Alaikum everyone....

It's me again with a little something I find irritating.  My husbands second wife is going on and on about if "he takes another wife I want a divorce"..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Wth????  REALLY, YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT???!!  I said to her, "Why are you any different?  What makes you better than me or any other woman out there?  Do you think my husband found you and you fulfilled some missing void in his life??"  YA RAB!!

She said, "No, he married me khalas!  He should not marry a 3rd, I would not be able to handle it.  I am not like you".....  OMG!!  Please Allah, give me the strength and the knowledge to know what to say to her and not hit her upon the head!!

I replied with, "You think this has been easy on me??  It has been a living hell!  Try going thru this pregnant with the emotions running thru you!  How dare you think you are better than me.. I pray Allah will forgive you and your tongue"

I need suggestions on this one dear sisters..  I am really at my wits end because every time I talk to her, she is freaking out he will marry again because he wont tell her NO, he wont marry again.  I am to the point that I want him to marry again, just to be spiteful so she knows how it feels.... May God forgive me.

Stop or we will shoot!

Salaam Alaikum everyone...

So, I have a funny story.  Well, if you are my husband, maybe not so funny of a story...LOOOL

Since Bahrain declared a State of Emergency, all roads leading into certain neighborhoods have set up Check Points you have to go through.  These are very large checkpoints... full Saud and GCC military or local check points, with our local police and military.  Ours is local, with about 2 to 4 armed guards that usually smile, say Salaams and send you on your way.

Not last night.

We were coming home from the movies, after curfew, at about 11:30pm.  So, they are obviously more alert.  My husband, like most men, have a lead foot.  Plus we were talking so he was a bit distracted.  The check points are new to all of us, so we need to get used to them.  Apparently my husband forgot there was such a thing as a checkpoint to our road ........................

We round the corner doing about 30 miles an hour.  No cars on the road so he was zipping along.  I see the men up ahead putting their hand out to signal him to stop or at the least slow down.  He keeps on talking.  Slow down ... Slow down... (this is me as I am putting on my imaginary break.  Finally, with out fear of being run down, an officer steps out in front of the vehicle as my husband is stopping the vehicle.  He not only stepped out in front of the vehicle.....he had his machine gun drawn!!!!!  (I think I stopped breathing at this point)  My hubby roles down the window, a few words are exchanged and we are off.  I said , "WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT???  WHAT DID THEY SAY?  WHY WERE YOU GOING SO FAST?  IS THERE A FIRE SOMEWHERE???!!!"  He was a little humbled and didnt say much except for this,  "They said they almost shot me!!"

I had to chuckle a little bit.  I am glad they put the fear of God into him.  Now today when we came home, he slowly went thru....hahahah

Life in a war zone......BIG FUN!!!  

Disappointed

Salaam...

I had my first OB apt the other day an I can honestly say, "I am not in Kansas anymore" :(  My Dr. is cold and short.  I went into the room and the first thing she asked me was, "What are you here for".... She asked me no questions, nothing... I told her some history and thats it.  She started to do an abdominal ultrasound which confused me, I am only a little over 6 weeks.  She tells me.. "Well, we cant see anything, maybe because it's too soon or maybe because you dont have a full bladder"...DUH!!  Ya think??!!  I said, Use the transvaginal one...its right there...You can easily detect early pregnancies.  So, reluctantly, she did.  She was in there for less than a minute, detected 2 gestational sacs but told me one was 9mm and the other was 5mm and most likely wont make it.  That was it.... She walked around the curtain to go sit back at her desk.  I was in shock!  She told me to come back in 3 weeks for another scan.  She wouldn't give me a due date because of the inconclusive scan.  No heartbeat.  If she would have stayed up there longer than 1 min she could have found it.

In the US things are so much different.  It is a warm feeling.  I have been with many friends and family members when they go to the OB Dr or midwife and it is such a great experience.  Here, they rush you in and out like cattle.  Its cold and in-personable..  And this was at a private hospital...I can only imagine what it is like at the Government hospital.  Oh yeah , I forgot.  I did go to the Government Clinic to confirm my pregnancy.  I told her that I have Factor V Leiydon (blood clotting disorder).  She then asked me when was my last ABORTION!!!  WTH???!!  Apparently Ms. I am so smart, thinks since you are an American and have blood clots they are from Abortions??!!  Seriously!  Cause you know, us American woman are so "loose" and run around having abortions every so often.....How insulting!!!  I thought my husband was going to strangle her!

I am sad and disappointed.  I have waited so long for this experience and it was nothing but a huge disappointment.  My husband and I are going to go to a different hospital in the next few days to see if we can at least get an Hcg blood panel done and possibly see if there is a heartbeat and the learn the outcome of baby #2.

I want to go back to the states.  I want the wonderful healthcare that I am accustomed too. I want a midwife, a nurse that cares.  I want a Dr. who knows my name.  I dont want to be in a place that dosent know you by name and treats you like just another woman popping out a kid.

Wow!  Who would have thought it was like this!!  I will keep you posted on the next leg of my journey.

One question for you out there.... How important is having an HCG count taken?  Especially if a twin pregnancy is detected?  And an iron count for someone (me) with a history of anemia?  Should my urine have been tested for presence of sugar??  Do I need a pre natal vitamin other than folic acid???