Saturday, April 2, 2011


As Salaamu Alaikum everyone....

It's me again with a little something I find irritating.  My husbands second wife is going on and on about if "he takes another wife I want a divorce"..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Wth????  REALLY, YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT???!!  I said to her, "Why are you any different?  What makes you better than me or any other woman out there?  Do you think my husband found you and you fulfilled some missing void in his life??"  YA RAB!!

She said, "No, he married me khalas!  He should not marry a 3rd, I would not be able to handle it.  I am not like you".....  OMG!!  Please Allah, give me the strength and the knowledge to know what to say to her and not hit her upon the head!!

I replied with, "You think this has been easy on me??  It has been a living hell!  Try going thru this pregnant with the emotions running thru you!  How dare you think you are better than me.. I pray Allah will forgive you and your tongue"

I need suggestions on this one dear sisters..  I am really at my wits end because every time I talk to her, she is freaking out he will marry again because he wont tell her NO, he wont marry again.  I am to the point that I want him to marry again, just to be spiteful so she knows how it feels.... May God forgive me.


  1. Salaam alaikum sister,

    I really am shocked that your co-wife feels this way O_O She knowingly entered into a polyganous relationship as a second what makes her think that it's okay to have this mentality?!? I honestly think you have every right to feel irritated about this, because, had I been in your place, I would have said the same exact thing to her (and probably then some...May Allah forgive me, I have a bit of a temper). Perhaps she was trying to compliment you in a really round-about way??
    I think all I can tell you is that insh'Allah you have to try to be the bigger woman in this situation (which, mash'Allah, I think you have been doing by getting to know your co-wife in the first place and not just giving her the cold shoulder treatment). I think you should make it clear to her that if you are going to have friendly conversations, that discussion of this particular topic is off limits. I'm not really sure how great this advice is, as I'm not currently in a polyganous marriage, but I know that it works for me when I want to maintain a friendly relationship with someone just to avoid talking about things that will rub either myself or the other person the wrong way.
    p.s. Congratulations on your pregnancy! May Allah(swt) bless and protect you, and grant you healthy, beautiful, pious children, ameen!

  2. Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.

    Yes, I'm sure you read on my hubby's blog my opinion about three being a really good number, lol! My husband said the same thing to my co-wife as you were saying.

    I'm never sure about what to say in these cases, but I think I would be inclined to remind her that your husband has very good taste in women and just as the two of you are getting along well, having another would inshaa'Allah be another good friend.

    Keep your cool and have a simple response at the ready for those comments, such as, "Don't worry about that; Allah's plan is perfect." Try to steer away from those conversations and any other drama.

    In any case, this is a warning sign for you, so take care. She, most certainly, has some wrong concept and faulty thinking in this area. If she keeps it up, she will put herself in a bad light with your husband.

    You, on the other hand, are doing a stellar job so keep it up, bi ithn Illah! The wife who sets the example and accepts Allah's tests with grace and faith is the one who always ends up with the this life and the next.

  3. owh dear :( im sorry i cant give u any advice about this. i hope u will b patient :* just think about ur baby okey :)


  4. Assalaamu aleykum sister,

    It must be a really painful situation for you.
    I don't know how your husband's situation is, but in any case, he should be financially able to provide equally for his wives. I think it's odd that she makes such a statement, since she already is in a polygamous marriage. I can understand your annoyance. Maybe she wants to be his "favorite"? (which I don't think is islamically allowed anyway). You are definitely the better woman in this. I agree, you don't need all this stress now. Just focus on you and your well-being, and let her say whatever she wants. It's not important. You and your baby are the most important thing now. I pray that Allah will protect you and your baby from all harm, and that you will find happiness, ameen!

  5. Uh excuse me but why do some wives feel that they are better or held to a different standard. I think you were nice in what you said to her. But tell her to quit her whining.Anyway Congrats on that baby and May Allah (SWT) bless and protect you and grant you a spectacular pregancy and a healthy gorgeous bambino AMEEN

  6. Daisy-Seek refuge in Allah from the cursed Shaitaan. You have a right to be upset with her mentality. Her attitude does not shock me, many second wives feel this way. But these type of conversations between co-wives bring about the whispers of Shaitaan, so try to avoid them. And its a issue between your husband and her. So let him set her straight. I really hate when second wives say those things,Its so self-centered approach to polygyny.

  7. I really don't understand how her saying she couldn't handle it if he married again is her saying she's better than you? Every woman is different and has their own preferences. Maybe one co-wife is enough for her to handle right now? Why are you twisting this to make it about you and your feelings?

  8. @Ayah...Yes, you are right. She willingly entered into this knowing full well there was another wife. I am not sure what is going thru her mind.

    @Mai.. Yes, 3 is best...I am beginning to think it would "ground us all" I informed her today about what you said about Allahs plan...Inshallah, it will work.

    @Farsilla..Thanks sweetie...Me and babies are doing well... Inshallah..

    @Safiya.. Thank you Sister, yes, my husband is a wonderful provider.. Mashallah! I dont know exactly why she is doing this. She is young and I am getting the feeling she dosent like to share. You are right...this is not important now, my health and the babies are what is important now.

    @ali summi. I dont know why, but most second wives feel this way. From the talks I have had with most, this is common. I will continue to be nice to her as she is not only my husbands wife, but also co wife.

    @Umm Salwaa..I so understand you when you say it brings shaytan into our heads! I think she is trying to assert herself as a "the chosen one" as she has made clear in our conversations. I do my best to steer away from these conversations but its not working. I think, for a while, they may have to end. Its just not healthy. For either of us.

    @Amal.. How I gather that her saying our husband cant marry again is better than me is because it is. How can it be ok for me, other women and the Mothers of the Believers but not her??! She knew this situation when she chose to marry and knew of the possibility of a 3rd! As for one co-wife is enough to deal with, she does not even live here. She isnt dealing with anything. She is living in her honeymoon stage, which is fine. She is a good person, she is just a little confused on how to have a conversation about this without coming across as feeling superior. As for me twisting this to be about me and my feelings? There is no twisting. This is what I gather from my conversations with her and what most wives gather from their co wives....2nd wives feel it from 3rd wives, 3rd wives feel it from 4th. And, this is my blog.. My blog=My feelings...It's not a blog about Daisy's co-wives feelings.

    @Everyone. Thanks for your feedbacks. You have given me good advice. Inshallah, I will find the right path to go with her. I need to understand that she may herself be feeling a little insecure and I will do my best to put her mind at ease.

  9. mmm.. don't worry about her sis. May Allah swt guide her.

  10. I'm trying to get my father to take a 3rd wife.

    My father has a 2nd wife too and she can't have children but said if my father ever married another after her she would kill herself. That made me sooo angry. To her it was ok for him to marry her after my mother but he can't do it to her? Who does she think she is?. Now I'm trying to get my father to take a 3rd wife just to show that evil witch.

  11. @Farah. Good luck with helping your father with #3. I am beginning to think that if a man takes a second he should immediately look for #3. My co wife told my husband and me she would leave and take any children with her, back to her home country. I reminded her that is un Islamic and gently reminded her where we live......not possible here to up and leave with the kids.

  12. hmmm confused situation... :/
    May Allah give you, your husband and his wife; righteous way and solutions of your family matters... :)
    Stay Blessed

  13. so its okay for her to marry your husband but its not okay for someone else? and she wants to take the kids too? Oh God, how immature is that. Does she even know that shes in a polyganous marriage lol???

  14. When I told my husband about this, he said, "He'd better get rid of her right now."

    Even men can tell it's a red flag signalling danger.

    Be careful, be careful, be careful. Back up your truck and deal from a polite distance. shaytaan is playing around all that.

  15. @Asma Khan.. Thank you for your kind words..

    @Sarah..It is a touchy situation with her now. I have found it's better for me to limit our conversations because she makes me angry with her words and immature attitude.

    @Mai..My husband is on high alert. He thinks she may be this way because she is insecure and far away at the moment. We will see. I have decided to step away from those conversations. I have more important things to deal with at the moment. I can defiantly tell she is young. Her way of thinking is very "high schoolgirlish" Inshallah, when she comes it will be different. I pray she will find her nitch in our family. My husband will not put up with her talking nonsense like she is now. He will have his hands a pregnant wife and a new wife who wants to be the only wife. lol

  16. Daisy,

    Our first polygyny disaster was much like this. I'll say one thing: Immaturity takes years to go away and a whole load of developmental stages...much like raising a child.

  17. Thanks Mai for sharing that. Yes, things are a lot different in theory, when it is reality and "in your face" you see things in a whole new light.. Inshallah, I pray to Allah that he guides my husband to say and do the right thing.

  18. Mai, it is very wrong to tell someone to divorce, you and your husband don't know the whole story, none of us do.
    It's between the husband and the wife.
    Divorce is most hated even if halal, every thing should be done to prevent it before resorting to that.
    May Allah guide them.

  19. @sarad, Thanks for your comment. I dont believe Mai meant anything by it. It was just something her husband had said. They do know my situation, much more than I share on here....Mashallah! She is just looking out for us.. No ill intent was intended. You are right, divorce should be avoided at all costs and I assure you my husband is not rushing to divorce..

  20. Daisy, jazaaki Allahu khayran! I am very relieved to know that you understand exactly what we meant.

    Sarad, we were not encouraging divorce; it was much more of a statement to imply warning. That said, there is a very important factor here that must not be ignored. If a situation is surrounded with fitna it isn't from Allah, there is no blessing in it, and it should be avoided or one must remove themselves from it.

    We are on the religion and path of your most certainly they should be chosen carefully. That surely is even more applicable for spouses.

    If Allah gives you warning signs about someone, take heed. Most certainly, give excuses and the benefit of the doubt as far as possible. This behavior needs to be addressed before it is brought into their home, inshaa'Allah.

    Never forget though, prevention is better than cure. It's far easier to correct something wrong in its early stages, than later on when far more is involved.

  21. SubhanaAllah Daisy... So many comments I can't read them all, but I must say this woman is lucky she's dealing with you... because if she so much as had to deal with ME (and you & Mai know who I am) she would be begging for Mercy!! LOL... It's vexing me greatly just reading her words... Yah Rab!!! How can you talk to her on the phone? Have you 2 seen each other? (I know, I'm going backwards on your posts... so I don't know what happened before this, sorry!). O


Life is too short to be hateful. Just because you disagree with something, doesn't make it wrong. I welcome your comments but please refrain from being hateful. :)