Sunday, April 10, 2011

My realization and some questions.

As  Salaam Alaikum everyone!!

I have been thinking a lot about when my husbands 2nd wife comes here to live.  I was, at one time, ok with us sharing a villa.  I actually bounce back and forth on the idea.  Lately some issues have come to head that I am not ok with.  Do I want to bear witness to a new love "budding"???  Do I want to hear her constantly say , "Where is he?  Why does he work so much? "  She does all of this now, I can not imagine what life would be like if I lived with her!  There are a lot more issues as well.  And I am sure she would not like my attitude either..haha.  I am very much an introvert.  I dont like to "hang out" and just idle chit chat.  I prefer to be by myself and have my own way of doing things.  I am sure I would get on her nerves in no time.

So now I can say, I dont want to live together.  I am not closing the door on this completely.  Who knows what the next year or two will bring.  Right now, I just want to have my own and my babies.

Next point I want to ask you all about.  I have accepted a job.  Yes, I know I am pregnant.  :)  This is something I just couldn't turn down.  I dont want to hear that my husband is to support me 100%..yada yada yada.. I know this.  Me getting a job has nothing to do with that.  Considering this job is NOTHING like my previous....

If my job enables me to move into a better location, on my dime, is my husband required to spend on her the same?  Mind you, I will be paying for this home.  It will be mine, my money.  This is how I want it.  Something of my own for me and my children.  I dont want her to live here....period..  haha   Does my husband have to give her the same value of house that I have?

Again, please, no comments on how I dont have to/need to work, your husband needs to support you....blah blah blah.. I know all of this and I am well taken care of.  This is a different issue.  Thanks!  :)


  1. Salaam alaikum..

    "me and my babies": So it is twins?? :))

    & She seems old is she? I understand where you're coming from by wanting your own home and not to live with her. I don't think your husband would have to give her the same value of the house you have because you are paying for the home. If it was coming out of his pocket, then yes.

  2. Yes, Inshallah...Twins! Alhamdulilliah...Twins with no fertility treatment... :)

    She isnt young in the "American sense" but here in the Middle East, girls are very sheltered and and when it comes to real life, they are "young". They havent been around the same things that western girls have been. I am not saying its a bad thing, its just frustrating and I for one do not have the patience to deal with it.

    I agree with you, I dont think he needs to give her what I have if I pay for it with my own money. I think, if she wants it, he will need to pay it for her or she needs to get her own job which I dont see happening any time soon... :)

  3. Yes, we are keeping our fingers and our toes crossed...Inshallah! We will go back again next week for another check to see if all is ok. If this constant nausea means anything, everything is going according to plan!..lool

  4. Daisy- I agree with you wanting your own place. I would not want to know what my hubby and his new wife are doing(Showers before Fajr). And some women don't fear Allah, so they cause Fitnah. I am not saying that your co-wife is this way, but Shaitan loves to play on insecurities. If she is insecure this may cause problems. Can you stay in your Villa and he get an apt. for her?

  5. Assalaamualaikum! Congratulations on the blossoming pregnancy and your new job!

    I had a nice meaty post for you but blogspot ate it so I'm giving you the condensed version.

    Your money = your money. Do with it what you wish.

    If your husband allows you to move to a different location and you want to buy your own house, he doesn't have to provide her with the same sort of accommodation unless he's paying for yours in full.

    If I were in your position, I'd ask my husband to fund the same that he's already paying for my current accommodation and make up the difference myself. That way I'd feel no resentment that I had to seek out my own means of solitude and feel that he's still doing his duty.

    If you buy a car, he doesn't have to buy her a car. If you buy a chocolate, he doesn't have to buy her a chocolate. If you buy a house, he doesn't have to buy her a house.

    If he did buy her all those things, though, you'd still be entitled to receive equally.

    In Islam, men generally have to provide for a wife according to their means (income, assests, etc.), the societal norms and the condition in which she resided at her parents house (or condition before marriage, basically). If she was alright to move into the villa and then wants a house because you buy a house, it's not from her rights. I will try not to presume that this is her nature as, inshaAllah, she is better than this.

    If she wants it, she can pay for it, just as you are willing to do.

    The only issue would really be whether your husband would accept the distance between houses and possibly transport...

    Ma salaama!

  6. Asalaamu-alaikum, congrats on the twins. I dont think he has to give her the same housing since u are going to be paying for yours. However i would caution that idea. Maybe you can have some arrangement where you pay for maybe the setup and then after that he pays for everything else. I say this because the other girl my husband is with, agreed to pay most of her housing and now she has been regretting it and complaining a lot to him. You dont want to do something that may cause u to be resentful of your husband or later jealous of the 2nd since she wont have pay for stuff. I know this is your decision and you have your reasons, and i am really not trying to be a hater at all. I just want you to be happy.

  7. @UmmSalwaa.. Yes! I dont want to see or hear anything remotely related to showers before prayers...I think I may loose it.. haha. I am trying to see what is best concerning the living arangememt. I say I get my house and if he wants anything for her, he will have to do it.

    @The Odd Muslimah ..Thanks for the congrats!! I think that is the key point now. Will my husband let me live on my "own" away from him and #2. I do believe it is best at this point. I agree with you about having him pay the same portion for housing as he does for her. Makes scene but that would defeat the purpose of it being entirely mine. Something to think about.

    @Jaiyana...WELCOME BACK!! Where the heck have you been hiding?? Thanks for the congrats! We are supper excited! He has no problem paying for the housing..he has been since we got married. I just want this to be mine..all mine! Bought and paid for by mwah! hehe. I could really care less what he dose for her and she wants the house I want, I dont see her getting if for her anytime soon. My thought is this, if I am going to work, I am going to enjoy my life. Live nicely and get what I always wanted. My husband and my idea of what is necessary are two different ideas. And if he were to get a large house, he would want us all together. I am not ok with that anymore. So then, he thinks it is not necessary. This is why I want to do it on my own. Since women can own property in Islam, why not? :) Dont be a stranger!!

  8. all i can say after reading this is omgg twinssss!! yummmy!! loool. Mabrook sis.

  9. Omg! How exciting to have twins, mashaAllah! I know how badly you wanted a baby and now you have 2 inshaAllah! Im sorry I cant really offer much advice on the housing problem =( I just wanted to say how excited I am for you! =)

  10. Daisy - he may be OK with you all living in a large house but always remember that in Islam you are entitled to your own space. Giving up such a right for his convenience is truly a charitable action but you don't have to if you do not want to. None of the Nabi (SAW)'s wives lived together and even when he would marry a new one, he would never lodge them with one one another but would lodge them with other families until a unit could be constructed for them. Their apartments may have been close together and built off the musjid but they were not connected in such a way that they could walk in and out at ease or would have to share amenities.

    Privacy may help your relationship with your co-wife, rather than hinder it. What's more is that once there are children involved, you have to think about how raising them under the same roof as another woman is going to impact them. I lived with my own sister when I had my first child and though I became quite close to her, we are quite different in parenting styles and management of our time. It can become more difficult (though there was the added boon that our children are like siblings now, however, I do have issues with them interacting and behaviour management which were horrible to manage under the same roof).

    Your husband might have a different idea of what is necessary but encouraging him to understanding the Islam position about this issue would probably aid him in understanding why it might be best not to live together.

    P.S - He married her, not you. He chose her, not you. Why should you have to live with her? I don't get that part.

  11. Salaam alaikum,

    First of all I want to say MABROOK on the twins insh'Allah and the new job, mash'Allah mash'Allah mash'Allah! That's so exciting that you're going to have twins, insh'Allah!!! :D

    I think it's very wise of you to want your own place...and no, your husband definitely doesn't have to give second wife one as well because you are buying it with your own money. It's a better choice to just remove yourself from potentially stressful situations that could be caused by living together with your co-wife, for the sake of your health and the health of your babies.

  12. Salam alaikum dear Cat Lady,
    Alhamdulillah, congratz for your twins!!
    And second of all, a man may marry more than one but not for collections. So, he is strongly suggested to provide them with their own homes. That's why polygyny is hard, not only for emotions and time, but also by financial.
    At least that's what my Islamic teacher told me. It can also minimize the chance of hurting the wives.
    I'm so proud of you. HUGS!
    Wallahu alam

  13. Aslm! Have you discussed this at all with your husband? I don't think the issue is WHETHER you should work, but HOW you are going to manage it! Being pregnant with twins is not considered low-risk and being pregnant with one is already a considerable strain. Furthermore, once the babies are there Insha Allah, it is going to be HECTIC. My husband's cousin's wife needed two assistants (one live-in) when she had twins to be able to cope as he was often abroad due to work. He has since had to change jobs because she just wasn't coping. I believe your husband also travels frequently for work, PLUS he's got another wife to share his time and energy with. Who will help you look after the babies?
    Also, why do you want to move to a 'better location"? Your husband has to house you according to your lifestyle standards (or better) before you were married... Financial tip: unless you intend to buy the new place with cash, taking up a home loan is a LIABILITY, not an asset. IMO you would be better off letting him pay for everything, and saving every penny you earn, so that you can build up a hefty stash of cash (should you need it).


Life is too short to be hateful. Just because you disagree with something, doesn't make it wrong. I welcome your comments but please refrain from being hateful. :)