Saturday, April 30, 2011

Anger and the Dark place

I cant seem to stop the anger from growing inside me.  Its like a dam that is about to break and the only thing holding the seam together is a piece of tape.  I am disgusted at times with this life.  I pray to God every day that I am caring a son, a daughter growing up here in the Middle East will never fully experience the life I would want her too.  I dont ever want her to go thru the pain that I am having to endure with polygyny.  I want her to feel the wind in her hair, the sun on her skin and the hand shake of a colleague without being labeled a slut.  Only Men here are truly free.  Free to enjoy the sun, the wind and the freedom to explore their surroundings.  If they want, they can marry 4 wives so they will never run out of "a new piece".  They dont have to cover who they are because men cant be held accountable for not "lowering their gaze".

We all make choices in our life.  There is a fork in the road for each one of us.  Why some of us choose the road to the right or the road to the left, we will never know.  Some of us are escaping from something in our past, some just want to try a new path.  What ever road you choose to go down, dont ever sell your self out.  Always remember who you are and where you came from.  Dont burn the bridges you leave behind, once gone, they can never be replaced.  Dont ever dim your light for someone.  Stand fast to your convictions and dont bend with the wind.

I think of Karma a lot, especially lately.  I was a bad person years ago, I wasn't a good wife.  I was young and wanted to experience life.  I did. If  I were to apologize every day for the rest of my life to my ex husband, it could never be enough. I never knew the consequences of my actions so many years ago would be in my face today.  I guess I have to accept it and carry on with my life and the punishments Karma makes me endure.

I just needed to vent. Maybe its my hormones, who knows.  Maybe its like getting the truth out of a drunk person....  I am not seeking pity nor do I want to hear that Allah will take care of me.  Right now, I am alone with my anger, there is no room for HIM.  HE wouldn't like what is going thru my head at the moment anyhow...