Would you or have any of you helped your husband find your co-wife? Tell me about your experience with that.
I have tried a couple of times in the past. Never works out. Two actually came close this summer but eventually, it didn't materialize.
I have decided it's best for me to stay out of it now....Inshallah, he is a big boy. hahah No need to worry about it now as he has found the one, inshallah.....
So, tell me. Have you or would you help?
hehe sis.. I wouldnt help. Its would be his journey not mine so I would leave it for him to venture from begining to end. Also, I think its better for the first wife to step aside completely and kind of be oblivious. I don't know. lol
ReplyDeleteHugs anyway.
I agree with you. I have tried in the past but it always bites me in the backside...lol Best just to let them do it on their own..
ReplyDeleteI would not do it. for a few reasons. 1. lets say he marries this girl and is unhappy, then he could blame you or have resentment. 2. Lets say he marries her and he feels she is the wind beneath his wings. You would have resentment. 3. No matter how much you like her, he is the one marrying her so they will have to get along in the end. 4. As long as he finds someone of good character who is pious then in time you two can at least be cordial, and possibly friends.5.If this is something he wants, he needs to go about it himself. Perhaps you can give some suggestions of the type you would prefer, but i wouldnt help out AT ALL. just me.
ReplyDeleteGood points Jayiana.... I wish I would have known you a few months ago when I was knee deep in the idea of trying to help...LOL I learned my lesson!
ReplyDeleteWa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.
ReplyDeleteLOL, my idea of an ideal co-wife is probably quite different from my husband's. Considering he is looking from a very different perspective and has different wants from that second wife, I'm hardly qualified to choose. He's not looking for another me...he's looking for something different. SO...I don't bother at all. The ones I have considered to be wonderful prospects have never been presented to him. Mainly because they were single, virgin women and I don't think it is fair to wish polygyny on them, rather than a husband all of their own (at least for a little while).
One aspect that I have always felt important though, is that we women have a good sense of other women. A meeting prior to marriage would, I believe, have been very helpful. It may even stop a disaster from happening, because we can see through other women in a way that men are blind to. I think men think we will try to sabotage it or assess the sister with a bias against her. However, that usually isn't the case, because if she is wonderful then we'll love her and know it will be much easier to have her as part of the family.
Anyway, it has never happened for me. I've never met a co-wife prior to marriage. C'est la vie!
You know something, so much of the stress and discomfort of the first wife would be eliminated or minimized if she met the subsequent wife prior to marriage. It is the unknown that makes it all so much harder.
ReplyDeleteI also have serious misgivings about sisters who agree to marry, or go ahead and marry a man, without asking to meet the existing wife or in some way ensure that she is okay with it all. That tends to be a serious indicator of her approach to polygyny and being part of the "family" or not and Allah Knows Best.
Never, Never, Never! No do not help in any way finding, looking, talking, involving yourself period. I agree with Jaiyana's reasons, and I also know the woman coming into the marriage first and foremost wants to be with your husband. So her main interest is him. Eventually she may want to meet you, and befriend you if she is decent, but initially her interest will lie in getting to know him. They will want to have time to get to know each other first without wife #1 being involved. That's really hard too because it's like you'll feel left out. But then I think that time should be spent on focusing on you, your deen, and finding your peace. Also this is not something that you really want if you had your choice, so if he wants this lifestyle let him go about finding the right match for him. If he asks I would give my opinion on a sister, because he's your man, and you love him so you really don't wanna see him end up with any "crazies". I would just play the background you know listen to him, give advice if you want to, and really focus on you and your deen as much as you can.
ReplyDeletesalaam alaikum,
ReplyDeleteHmmmmm good question. I can think of a few positive reasons for helping your husband. 1. By helping him find a co-wife you can act as the third party and make sure his conversation with a potential second wife is halal. He can always contact the womans wali and find out more about her that way, but if you were helping him you could investigate and talk to the woman and find out more information about the sister who is interested. Also, if you help him pick a good wife you can help him pick a woman who will treat you with kindness, respect. Guys who meet their second, third wives on the internet and chat with them or talk to them on the phone for a period of time may not see the womans true intentions because they start to develop feelings for the woman and may end up picking someone who is not good for him. Another reason it would be good for you to help your husband find a wife is the second wife will be an addition to your family so you want to make sure your husband chooses someone good. He should consult with you and value your opinion before choosing a second wife. I know this is easier said than done, especially since im not in your shoes. InshaAllah your husband finds a woman with a pure heart and who has good intentions and will be a wonderful addition to your family and a friend to you.
If your man is a man of quality,and you trust him... and I believe he is - from what little I have read from your blog so far - (and he has picked you correct?) - I would trust him to pick another woman of quality. Don't be afraid of that - embrace a woman of quality...for that is the type of friend you would pick, yes? :)
ReplyDeleteKeep an open mind....
I agree with Jaiyana...good thoughts there.