Friday, October 15, 2010
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Ok, so today, hmmmm not so good. I am drinking Diet Coke like it a bottle of wine (God forbid). I am pacing the house like a mad woman. Cleaning like a freaky 40's housewife and doing anything I can do to get the devil to stop whispering in my ear! I think I have had too much idle time on my hands with dear hubbie away on business. My mind is racing and I am in a "Why me?" sort of mood. I am angry, hurt, sad, scared..a little bit of everything all rolled into one..(Isn't that a line from a Sheryl Crow song?)
Anyway, I was asked a question last night by someone. The question was why am I pushing so hard for this too happen? That I am "too nice". Well, lets address the first question.
#1-- I am not pushing this. I would LOVE it if he came home and said, "Baby, you are all I want and need. I never want to take a second wife." I am a woman, of course I am jealous and have my moments. I DON'T want to share him! I am being realistic. I knew from the moment (and before) I said "yes" that there would be a number 2. It kills me inside some days. My husband has been more than honest with me. He has always been upfront and never held anything back from me. I love him more than words can say. He treats me like a queen and loves me more than I could have ever asked for. Why would I willingly want another woman to experience his love? I want if for myself but ALLAH(swt) has other plans for us. There is always a reason behind every action. I know that with trust in ALLAH(swt) that I will be taken care of. I put my trust in HIM, no man can ever replace that.
Embracing this life helps me cope with it. If I were to bury my head in the sand and pretend it wont happen, what good would that do me? I don't want to be blindsided with this life. I want to be prepared and I want it on OUR terms as a family. Not just his terms and I have to deal with it.
#2 Am I a push over/too nice? Maybe. I have a big heart and I wear it on my sleeve. I tend to be nice to people when I know it will not be returned. I don't like to fight or disagree with people. I want to make everyone happy, sometimes at the expense of myself. I am working on my flaws. I have a low self esteem and InshaAllah, with the help of prayer, I will over come that.
This does not mean I am weak. I do speak my mind, with a little prodding..haha.
I just want this to go smoothly. Who knows, maybe I will never be able to get used to this idea. Maybe I will just "freak out" one day and call it quits. InshaAllah, that wont happen but who knows? How can I say "No" to this situation if I am not even in it yet?
What we think is good for us may turn out to be bad, what we think is bad for us may turn out to be good.
All I can tell you is that today, I want my husband to myself. I am feeling selfish and I don't want anyone else in my life. I feel like I have given everything up for this life with him and that he is being selfish by not giving up this "right" of his. This is how I feel today. Tomorrow may be different.
I believe, and I may be a little bias here, that I have the best hubbie in the world. He is everything I could dream of. Today however, I wish he would think of my feelings and how this is tearing me up inside.
Ahhh.. If only the shoe could be on the other foot for a day. I don't think any man would think of taking another wife if they knew the pain that it feels in the depth of your heart.
Sorry for the "downer" . I cant be upbeat all the time...hahah