Ok, so today, hmmmm not so good. I am drinking Diet Coke like it a bottle of wine (God forbid). I am pacing the house like a mad woman. Cleaning like a freaky 40's housewife and doing anything I can do to get the devil to stop whispering in my ear! I think I have had too much idle time on my hands with dear hubbie away on business. My mind is racing and I am in a "Why me?" sort of mood. I am angry, hurt, sad, scared..a little bit of everything all rolled into one..(Isn't that a line from a Sheryl Crow song?)
Anyway, I was asked a question last night by someone. The question was why am I pushing so hard for this too happen? That I am "too nice". Well, lets address the first question.
#1-- I am not pushing this. I would LOVE it if he came home and said, "Baby, you are all I want and need. I never want to take a second wife." I am a woman, of course I am jealous and have my moments. I DON'T want to share him! I am being realistic. I knew from the moment (and before) I said "yes" that there would be a number 2. It kills me inside some days. My husband has been more than honest with me. He has always been upfront and never held anything back from me. I love him more than words can say. He treats me like a queen and loves me more than I could have ever asked for. Why would I willingly want another woman to experience his love? I want if for myself but ALLAH(swt) has other plans for us. There is always a reason behind every action. I know that with trust in ALLAH(swt) that I will be taken care of. I put my trust in HIM, no man can ever replace that.
Embracing this life helps me cope with it. If I were to bury my head in the sand and pretend it wont happen, what good would that do me? I don't want to be blindsided with this life. I want to be prepared and I want it on OUR terms as a family. Not just his terms and I have to deal with it.
#2 Am I a push over/too nice? Maybe. I have a big heart and I wear it on my sleeve. I tend to be nice to people when I know it will not be returned. I don't like to fight or disagree with people. I want to make everyone happy, sometimes at the expense of myself. I am working on my flaws. I have a low self esteem and InshaAllah, with the help of prayer, I will over come that.
This does not mean I am weak. I do speak my mind, with a little prodding..haha.
I just want this to go smoothly. Who knows, maybe I will never be able to get used to this idea. Maybe I will just "freak out" one day and call it quits. InshaAllah, that wont happen but who knows? How can I say "No" to this situation if I am not even in it yet?
What we think is good for us may turn out to be bad, what we think is bad for us may turn out to be good.
All I can tell you is that today, I want my husband to myself. I am feeling selfish and I don't want anyone else in my life. I feel like I have given everything up for this life with him and that he is being selfish by not giving up this "right" of his. This is how I feel today. Tomorrow may be different.
I believe, and I may be a little bias here, that I have the best hubbie in the world. He is everything I could dream of. Today however, I wish he would think of my feelings and how this is tearing me up inside.
Ahhh.. If only the shoe could be on the other foot for a day. I don't think any man would think of taking another wife if they knew the pain that it feels in the depth of your heart.
Sorry for the "downer" . I cant be upbeat all the time...hahah
It is true about having a huge "freak out moment" like you said. You will have many, and trust me when I say, you WILL want to leave. Any woman in polygamy who says they have never thought about leaving is a liar.
ReplyDeleteTwo very important things:
1. Read this post to your husband. I'm serious. If you really wont, why don't you tell him these things? Does he know how hard this is for you?
I understand he was honest from the beginning and told you he wanted another, but people change. It's basic psychology: as people go through every single day, have new revelations, experience new things and encounter new words, actions, feelings, emotions, etc., they change their opinion, minds, perspective and stance on a lot of things. Don't feel bad.
2. I knew this would be trying and emotional for me, just like you knew it would be for you. I was also like you in that I THOUGHT I knew what I was getting into, but until I was actually experiencing it and in it, I didn't know how I was going to really feel or react. That is why, before I decided to move, I made a private promise to myself that I would give it 1 year. Just One. I would recommend that right now, you do the same. It's a goal to work towards, reminds you of your love for your spouses and (not to be a downer) also keeps you from wasting your life away and time if things aren't going to work out.
How you say, InshaAllah, I hope your poly journey is filled with support, love and understanding from your husband.
Blessings,
Potential
Thanks Potential... I appreciate your kind words. Its funny you mention giving it a year because thats what my husband I discussed during my last "freak out" session. It makes sence, why not try it? You never know what is good or bad unless you try it. I will definatly tell him how I am feeling. He always asks and is very supportive but sometimes I feel like a broken record...same thing over and over but we have to "own" our feelings and this is how I am feeling right now. Thanks for the support. I needed it right now.
ReplyDeletesalaam alaikum,
ReplyDeletejust curious but did your hubby say why he has such a strong desire for multiple wives? i do hope he is follwing the sunnah and not just looking for a virgin wfie but someone who is a widow or divorced.
You are a very strong woman going into a marriage knowing your hubby will take another wife. This lifestyle isnt for everyone but inshaallah it will work for you
His desire for multiple wives is multiple children...haha He has always wanted a large family. So even if I was an 18 yr old "virgin bride", he would have taken another wife just the same.
ReplyDeleteHe is looking for a wife that is a virgin, divorced or widowed. He just wants a good wife that follows Islam that will fit into our family and the life we live. The one potential now has never been married. She isnt too young...thank god! I think I would have too hard of a time with that.
Salaams <3 hugs <3 The one thing about life is there will be always ups and downs. Regardless of whatever marriage/lifestyle you are in. Keep in mind the positives of this situation. He has been honest and given some time for you to adjust. Also the potential #2 you have is a blessing compared to what you could have. lol my husbands concubine makes me wanna scream. But dont feel bad at all that you are feeling these emotions. It is in a womans nature to feel emotional. i have my bad days too, i think we all do. Any woman would be lying to say otherwise. Even the prophets wives were jealous of each other. You can only take things day by day and do the best you can. what helps me on bad days is going back and reading the positive posts that remind me the good flip side of things. Also making 2 rakats and making dua, zikr helps purify the heart and keeps you calm. This helps lessen freakouts lol. Never pray for patience you will be tested omg, just pray for strength. Inshallah your journey will be filled with lots of love and support. <3 hugs <3
ReplyDeletehow come you don't have children yet? plus how will he know a virgin isn't infertile?
ReplyDeleteThe reason for no children yet is in ALLAH(swt) hands. We have only been married less then one year. I am not too overly concerned yet. As for a virgin being infertile....no one knows who will have children and who will not. Thats Allah's will...
ReplyDeleteExactly, so how can he be sure more wives mean more children when it is Allah's will? and HOW many does he actually want? The more children you have the harder you have to work to support them and the less free time you will have to spend with them. So numerically, you will have lots, but how much quality time will you actually have spent with them and will be the quality of the fatherly bond? IMO even sisters with one husband with three, four, five children will tell you it's hard for the husband to find time to spend with them when he's is so busy working to provide. (Different story if first wife is unable to have children.)
ReplyDeleteThe Prophet Muhammad SWA had NO children with his wives in his polygamous marriage.....and there were many more than 4 of them...
ReplyDelete