Salaam everyone....
I have a question. I will keep this post short as I believe the comments can actually be the post. Do you agree with "halal dating"? This means do date with the purpose of marriage, no sex and becoming engaged. Speaking on the telephone, chatting online...etc etc.
My husband told me tonight that he has decided to stop "searching" and "open" himself up to what ever happens. He will no longer search with the hurry up and marry attitude. He thinks it is scaring them away and you may miss out on a good potential wife.
Hmmmm...Not sure how I feel about this. I think I would rather him find a woman, go to her wali, sign the contract and be done with it. Isn't this how it should be? I know we are living in a different time and people are more open...but I have an issue with this "dating".
What do you all think? I understand the haram end of it. I am looking for your thoughts on it and how you would deal with it......
Okay: I can answer this question like a freaking expert.
ReplyDeleteDating is dangerous. It requires the first wife to let a woman that is not married to him, who has no obligation to you or him, to "court" him. They could kiss, they could hold hands, they could have passionate make-out sessions.
Sometimes temptation is too great and they could f*ck. I'm being blunt here because I don't care who the hell you are and what your religious beliefs, no one is perfect except God, and your husband and this future girlfriend is only human.
Now, here is the upside to this: dating is the best way to make sure it's a good fit. What if this chick can't handle sharing or is pretending to like you but is really a bitch? Letting your husband date first will allow you to find these things out BEFORE the deed is done and the marriage contract is signed.
I think it all depends on the individual.
In my situation, I told the wives and husband up front when they met me that there was no way on God's green Earth I would ever get married without having sex first (may God forgive me) because Sex is a HUGE HUGE HUGE part of any relationship and I wanted to make sure we were compatable.
Yes, the husband dated me traditionally and it was very hard on the wives because I WASN'T a wife, but it really helped build a solid foundation between Sir and I.
They were so upset over my whole experience that they didn't let 4th so much as go out alone with him and I told them all it was a huge mistake. Sure enough, 4th is now a thorn in all our asses, including the husband's because they have no foundation what-so-ever together. The wives have now said they wished they would have had a courting phase with 4th.
I don't know. If I were you, I would think long and hard because I know your religious beliefs are strong in this area.
Thanks for the comment...I appreciate to see things from the other side of the coin...ie...2nd 3rd... The way in Islam is No PRE MARITAL SEX .. Period. So in order that that happens, the man and woman can not be alone together to avoid the tempatation. I have only been a muslim for almost 2 yrs so I remember what it like in the "other world". I think thats what scares me. Cause you are right, they are only human. Inshallah, nothing bad like that will happen. This could get interesting...haha
ReplyDeleteI dont agree with a man speaking to a non-mahram girl with the intention of marriage unless he has expressed the intention with her father, and only seeing in the precence of her father or a non-mahram.
ReplyDeleteIn the case of converts who do not need the approval of their non-muslim father, well I guess they have to get married some way, which I would understand why they would need to speak to the future husband or atleast know him before marriage, but I dont classify this as dating. (I always thought of dating as going out with a guy to have fun and waste time). But if the relationship between the man and woman should be short and to the point otherwise haram could happen.
Ofcourse Allah swt can recognize intentions of people and whether or not they are directed towards marriage and whether their circumstances allow them to do it in the precence of her wali.
And Allah knows best. :)
@Savanah In islam we determine compatibility between man and woman through character,faith,personality, but most importantly their religion. Sex is important but we don't determine our marriages based on this because from our veiw marriage is a long life commitment that lasts until death, so although sex maybe important its not the thing that will make or break our marriage because God forbid what if something were to happen to your spouse and they couldn't have sex, does that mean its over? No because there were other things before sex that held the marriage together such as compassion,love, peace and tranqulity. But that being said, sex is one of the most important things in marriage even to Muslims, we just dont agree with having sex before marriage in order to know whether your potiential spouse will be a good husband.
ReplyDeletesalaam alaikum
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with slave2allah. We must follow the sunnah of our prophet muhammad (pbuh). Neither he nor his companions "dated" before marriage. Putting "halal" in front of dating, does not change it, it is still dating. If a man is interested in a woman he should ask about her character (masjid, family members, friends etc) to learn more about her, not her dierctly because thats how feelings develop. He can ask her questions about herself but he should have a 3rd party present (her father, etc). Someone who can make sure the conversation stays halal. Chatting on the phone, internet, in person without a 3rd party present is not allowed and should be avoided at all costs! Your husband should instead ask brothers at the masjid if they can talk to their sisters or wives to inquire about sisters who are interested in being a second wife. He should not approach them by himself, but instead of a sister do it.
Salaam to you @slave2allah and Rene. My question is.. How would I aproach my husband about this? I just told him that I got some feedback about it being haram. He agreed but I dont think that will stop him. Mashallah, he is a good man and just wants this to work out. I think we both need suggestions on how to make this work. I like the idea of him speaking to the brothers in the masjid. I think I will continue to talk to him about this one. The thing is, I dont think he wants to marry a local girl thats where the problem lies. So any suggestions on helping him find a woman from outside the country with out using the phone or computer would be greatly appreciated. I want to help him follow the sunnah and do whats right. I believe that if you do good things, good things will come to you.....
ReplyDeleteSalaams, there are rules and I understand why you feel torn. On one hand you wanna make sure he/you knows her well enough to be a good fit. On the other hand you wanna make sure he doesnt cross the line. You can def take your time with this. This will help you adjust more to the idea as well as find the best match. Me personally talking on the phone doesnt bother me, its the time alone that I would freak out about. I guess i am more laid back about things. The thing what men dont realize is even thou they could be so nice and awesome it is hard finding a 2nd wife that is a good fit. Its hard enough finding a 1st wife where both parties are in sync but then trying to find another person to add to the mix can be tricky. At least he isnt rushing into something. Becuz if your going to go thru all this transition and pain, it better be someone who is nice and can be the best fit for the family. Instead of a rush situation and then she ends up being a psycho lol
ReplyDeleteMy husband has ditched all the fatwas in this regard and did his searching in all the wrong places. Subhaan Allah, the amount of near misses we had from Muslim Space alone were notable. Then he chose one from Muslim Space, who ended up being a candidate for a sequel to Fatal Attraction. Did he learn his lesson? Nope. One came under friends' recommendation, but still there was a lot of chatting and IM for months before the nikah. Did that help? No. Nothing beats the face to face meeting, and there are some things you won't ever know until you live with a person. This last one, married her last night, was through Muslima.com! She doesn't speak any English...and my husband doesn't speak much Arabic.
ReplyDeleteSo, after all that blabbing what can I say? It's all haram and if it starts haram, it isn't blessed. Go through the right channels, seek Allah's guidance, and if you do it rightly...it will be blessed bi ithn Illah, taala. How to approach it? Just like that, by saying that you want this to be Allah-sent and Blessed, so you don't want anything to jeopardize that. "Is there any reward for good but good?" (Surah Rahman) No...so please Allah so you can have the good reward, not the booby prize.
Wow...Lots of issues there hu? How many wives does he have? Mashallah! I have an issue with online meeting.. Its hard to get it thru his head its wrong and just causes problems.. Click click on the keyboards drive me nuts!
ReplyDeleteHe has me and the new one (last night,LOL). The others were 2 years ago (fatal attraction - divorced within 5 months) and in Ramadan of this year (divorced within 2 weeks.
ReplyDeleteI think I can say for just about every woman who's husband has searched for a wife online, that we would like to smash their laptops to bits and mangle their fingers, rather than hear that click, click. It is sickening...and I can totally relate.
It is very hard to stay quiet about these things, and after a while, the husbands tend to keep it secret. Some women prefer to stay ignorant of it. For me, to see him click clicking away just puts him in a bad light. However, I know the importance of understanding the reality of my husband, and this keeps it real.