Wednesday, October 13, 2010

How I will live polygyny in my future

Salaam everyone!

I was recently asked how I plan to live polygyny in my life.  I am going to do my best to answer that question although as we all know, what we want and what ALLAH(SWT) has in store for us are two separate ideas..haha

First of all, I love the idea of one big family.  I want us to all be friends and love each other not only for the sake of ALLAH but because we are genuinely doing it for the sake of family.  InshaAllah...  I want us under one roof, with separate areas for us.( No, we WILL NOT SHARE THE BEDROOM)  I want us to eat as a family.  I want us to shop together, talk together, go to family outings together and discuss issues as a family.  I want our children to grow up all together and always have ALL parents around to nurture and take care of them and instill strong Islamic ties to community and family, InshaAllah!

I don't like the fact that some Muslims live separate lives.  One day here, one day there.  Never co existing and pretending that the other family doesn't exist.  Now, I understand that there are cases where there is no other option.  I don't agree with hate and backbiting.  Some women just CAN NOT AND WILL NOT share their lives.  For the sake of the family,and their sanity, then it is best to keep it separated.

I just know what I want out of life.  I want a large HAPPY family.  I want not only a co wife but a sister.  I think this can be accomplished but it will take patience and prayer and hard work.  I think finding the right person to join your family is tough, but the time it takes to find that person will be well worth it in the future.

What do you all think?  Is it possible? Am I living in a fantasy world? Would you be willing to not only share your husband but your life with another woman?  Do you think its possible to put aside your preconceived notions on what you "think" is the right way and try to make it work?  Trust me, I don't think it will be easy but I do think it's what is best for the family and the children you will have. 

Remember, there is no need to judge....this isn't court. 


  1. I went on a poly site where it talked about changing from a "monogamous mindset" to a "Poly mindset". It is true, there are a lot of things you sacrifice living in a plural relationship, but you have to think of the positives and not the negatives. You are taught from so young that monogamy is the only (and right) way to live...I think it is hard to gear off that train of thought to the realities of living in plural marriage.
    It is TOTALLY possible to live the way you want--It is NOT a dream that can't come true. Yes, I share one bed with all of my partners, but one of the wives and I do NOT NOT NOT have any sort of sexual relationship. We are just really close friends, almost to the point of sisters. If she wants time with hubs, I leave the room. If I want time with hubs, she leaves the room. It's great because we take turns (the three of us women) sleeping next to him on either side and NEVER have to spend a night without him. It was hard in the beginning when I had a hard time sharing doing this, but now that I'm okay and have security in my relationship with Adam It's totally worth it.
    Is it hard at first to know your man is sleeping with another woman...yes. But you have to start looking at him like he isn't YOURS or YOUR PROPERTY. He belongs to himself and nothing can compare to the love you and him share.
    Have you seen the SisterWives show? I know you are not in America, but I didn't know if you watched American TV still. This poly family had separate "apartments" for each wife that were all interconnected that you could reach each one through a door. From the outside, it just looked like one big house. This might be more of what you are looking for.

    I didn't think I could get through the sorrow and pain of sharing. It took me about 6 months to just settle down about it and now (unless I am feeling needy or have not gotten much attention from Adam), I don't have any problem with it at all. In fact, I encourage Adam to be with the other women because 1. I know the quicker he is with them, the sooner he will be with me. 2. If he is investing time and taking care of the others I know he will do the same for me and that gives me comfort. and 3. The wives are my friends--they are like my sisters. I want them to be happy and taken care of the way I want to be.

    There is one thing you HAVEN'T mentioned and I just wanted to bring this point to you because most people don't think of this BEFORE they are poly. How are you going to handle fights?
    See, we have a rule in MY relationship that if Adam is fighting with one of us, then no one gets to be with him (sexually I mean) until it is resolved. (Of course, I'm not talking about fights concerning sharing or poly issues, because those will happen a lot in the beginning, but anything else.). Think about it: Let's say you got into a fight with your husband over a purchase you made. He had a hard day at work and is really hard on you. You fight, and then he goes and has sex with his other wife. Do you think that would make you feel good? Do you think that is right? Can you imagine him just leaving the room angry at you and wanting to go be with another woman? This might be something you want to think about and talk to your husband and potential Sister-wife about BEFORE the marriage occurs. And really, would you want that for the 2nd wife too? Some poly families are okay with it happening but I can't imagine how they handle it. Let me know what you think.

    I'm glad you are committed to putting the family first. :)

  2. Salaams, What a beautiful outlook. In the future I really hope me and #2 can eventually be friends and have a good relationship. When I first found out about it and found out who it was, I told my husband I would prefer this other sister that I already knew and liked and are friends with, vs the girl he choose. He was very surprised. But I would rather have someone we can all hang out, have family dinners ect than just a person who lives like you dont exist. I dont think you live in a fantasy world. I have heard of muslimas that have this bond. I dont know of any personally lol but I hear they exist lol. I think you are 100% right it all depends on finding the right person to fit your family. It would be good to have a sister/friend. I come from a large family and all my sisters are married out of state. So if me and her could have a sisterlike relationship then that would be good. I am really happy for you, you have a very positive, beautiful outlook. Inshallah whoever fills #2 will be a good sister that both of you can connect with. I think the main thing that will help facilitate a good relationship is understanding supportive cowife, 2. understanding hubbie. If everyone is all on the same page I def think this is a realistic goal for you. I think living together def has a lot of family benefits. cowives can share nights cooking, cleaning, ect and both help raise the kids so one person is not going crazy when the baby wont stop crying,everyone can do their part.From what you have said so far about the potential #2 she does seem like she genuinely cares for you and will be on the same page. Everyone will get on each others nerves at some point, Im sure i have gotten on my sisters nerves many times, but as you grow with each other you learn their quirks and learn how to deal better with them with less drama. :-) Inshallah it will work out for you. It better cuz i will be taking notes so i can do it too lol

  3. Salaams, Wow I just everything I just type got deleted… Ok here I go again lol. Reading your post I love, love , LOVE <3 your positive outlook and goals for your family. Mashallah I don’t think your unrealistic at all. Ideally that is how I would like to be with the #2 , minus living in one home. Would like to live next door to each other or have 2 homes on same property. But I think it can defiantly work out well and better when people are friends and the cowives actually LIKE each other and enjoy spending time together. I have heard of these stories where cowives are best friends and get along just fine. I personally do not know of any sisters like this, but hey they do exist somewhere.LOL If sister wives and other muslimas can live comfortably together as one family, then I def feel you and I can. Well, that’s what we can strive for.
    When I first found out who the sis was my husband was talking to I told him I would prefer this other sister I know if he is going to do it. Because her and I are already really good friends and I actually care about her. He was so shocked. I guess he thought I wouldn’t want someone that was already a friend.
    I think it takes a big effort esp on the first wife’s part to really try to look at the big picture and what is best for her family not just herself. Also everyone has to be on the same page with wanting one big happy family. From what you have told me so far about #2 she seems genuinely really sweet and like she cares about you as well as your husband. Everyone will have issues of course, and annoy others at some point like any sister/friendship does, but overall I really see that it can work and it’s not just some fantasy. All of my biological sisters live out of state. So it would be nice to have a sister/friend relationship with #2 here. I know you mentioned in prev post you missing ur sis out of country so inshallah #2 can fill some of that void and be there for you. Often when we open up our hearts to what Allah has made halal and permissible then we will see more blessings and beauty in it. At first I was very resistant to the idea and there was lots of drama, involved. Now that I am open to it and look it seems as things have really turned around.

  4. This is how the Prophet Muhammad sws did it, and this is how it should be.

    May Allah bless you.

  5. Salam Ladies.....

    Thank you for all your wonderful comments. InshaAllah, I can only hope to live this way. Yes, my "potential co-wife" and I are actully getting together this weekend while the hubbie is away on buisness. It's nice to have a close friend to talk to. As for how we will handle fights, that is a good point. I guess I will have to sit down and put that puzzle together too hu? haha.. Thanks for the input everyone..

  6. salaam alaikum,

    Polygamy has always fascinated me, even before i converted to islam. Although i could never see myself sharing my husband I have heard of many women doing it and having a wonderful bond with the other wives. I personally feel my jealousy would get in the way but that is just me. I like your outlook and think its admirable that you are able to take something that so many women would find impossible and make it work! I sometimes ask myself if i were to get divorced and found a man who is practicing but already has a wife if i would be his second or third wife. If it meant taking care of me and my daughter, who knows... But then i ask myself, would i be able to love this man completely? because I know once I am in love i wouldnt be able to share so wonder if i was a second or third wife if i would build a wall up to protect myself from getting too jealous!

    I dont know if i would be able to live in the same house with the co-wives, nor do i think i could go on vacations as one big family. Its normal to feel jealous, Aisha our prophets wife used to get jealous at times. Its how we handle our jealously that is important.
    I look forward to reading more about your journey into polygamy


Life is too short to be hateful. Just because you disagree with something, doesn't make it wrong. I welcome your comments but please refrain from being hateful. :)