Sunday, October 17, 2010

Why do I have to sacrifice?

I am so angry!  I don't want to hear one more person tell me to pray, tell me that I need to bear this with patience, that I will be "rewarded" for this.  What bullshit...really!  Speaking my mind here people so bear with me.  I am tired of trying to only make my hubby happy.  I fell like I am getting the shaft here.  There is a saying where I am from, "Don't kiss the ass thats about ready to shit on you" 

Thats how I feel today..  Kissing all the asses while they just "unload"

I feel that my dear husband is gaining everything in this "deal" and what do I get?  A bag full of shit.  That's what I get!  I get a bunch of nice insecurities to add to the ones I already have.

So, he gets to meet someone, chat, build a relationship, marry, fall in love blah blah blah!  Me?  I get to grow older, no children, work work work work.  That's what I get.  Oh, and we will probably all live together so I get to see her stupid face every day.  I want to run.  Run far away. 

Quite a stark contrast to earlier posts hu?  Well, I have been thinking.  And this is how I feel today.  I am full of hate and anger.  I don't give a rip roaring crap who sees this or who will condemn me for my "un islamic" feelings or words.  How can God say its ok to hurt me?  How can God tell me to bear the hardship with patience while my husband is off having sex and building a family with someone else.

Forget this.  I really cant take it.   I don't want to see anyone right now.  Including my husband.  I may say something I will regret.

I could really use a cigarette(I used to smoke....A LOT)  OHH...ANOTHER thing I gave up for this relationship....Hmm lets add that to the list... My home, my country, my friends, my family, my job......WTH...And he cant give this "right" of his up?  Hmmm.. Who is giving and who is taking here?

Hope he enjoys his new "family"...Not really sure at this point I want to be here.


  1. This is Reality 101 Future Wife. You've stepped away from the logic of the situation and are now in the "experience it" mode.
    It's a bitch, and I pray you can make it through it. You need to tell your husband how you feel and your change of heart. Give him the chance to help you, the chance to not do this if you ultimately can't. I'm sorry you are going through this:(

  2. I have thought about the "wait a year" comment I made to you, and I'm afraid this might only apply to subsequent wives, not to a first wife.

    You see, if you wait a year, then what? Your husband has another wife, possibly a child with him. If it doesn't work, then what? He's going to leave this woman. NO. YOU will be the one who has to leave, so she gets your husband all to herself (at least, until he finds another wife) and you are the one that has to leave.

    In my shoes, I am coming INTO a relationship already established. I KNOW that the wives aren't going anywhere and this is the way it is going to be. If it is not something I can handle after a year, I am the one to leave.

    I'm worried about you. You love your husband. I would hate for you to lose this relationship. Does he realize he might lose you over this?

    Also, you said "no children" in your post. How come you are saying "no children and work work work"? What did the fertility doctor say?


  3. Salaam alaikum,

    Take a deep breath, and breathe.... Today´s post sounds like you are finally acknowledging your true feelings about the whole situation. Polygamy is not easy, for those women who share their husband, alhamdulillah, however polygamy is not something that is encouraged. Just because something is sunnah does not mean its encouraged. Polygamy is not for everyone and I can only imagine how you must feel with a husband who is set on marrying another woman. You have to really ask yourself if you want to stay with him, which means being a co-wife or leaving, which means giving up a man who is religious and treats you well, something that is hard to find. Your husband was honest about what he wanted before he married you, and yes it would be wonderful if he changed his mind and only had you but it seems that isnt going to happen. btw, is there a reason he is so bent on having more wives? Its good that you are addressing your issues now before the second wife comes a long. Its also natural to feel upset, angry and jealous.
    If you feel that your relationship with your husband will change (ex. youll become moody, angry, jealous etc and it will get in the way) than maybe its better to end the relationship now. Have you talked to your husband about this? About how you are feeling? I would say pray istikhara to see if you should stay or leave. There are many brothers out there who only want one wife and are practicing if you do decide to leave.
    Would your husband be willing to give up another wife if it meant you leaving? I guess i just dont understand why he HAS to have another wife?

  4. Polygamy should only ever be done if both parties are 100% happy with it, your husband having another wife isn't something you should compromise on. Your marriage isn't my business and I don't want to sound harsh but it sounds like you give a lot in your relationship - there's got to be someone out there who would find all that you give enough, enough to stay with just you.

  5. Salaams beautiful <3 big hugs to you <3 I know EXACTLY what you are going thru omg you are in my brain sometimes lol . I def have had those days esp in the beginning. Now for some strange reason I think i am "ok" with it. This is the thing I completely agree with what your saying. Alot of sisters wanna say oh make some rakats, get out your pray rug you'll be fine. Really? Although prayer does help it is good to be honest about your feelings. Its in a womans nature to be emotional and jealous. There is this book that i just ordered off amazon called romantic intelligence. I need to learn how to control my emotions in a positive way. But the truth is this situation will likely be one of the hardest things you have ever dealt with. You have given up alot to be with him.what has helped me go from wanting to punch both of them in the eye, to finally feeling ok is keeping things in perspective and focusing on the positives. Maybe you can make a list if you have to. Do the positives out weigh the negatives here? It is hard omg so stressful to think of your hubbie being intimate with another woman and to see her everyday. I think what you should talk to him about is having separate homes for you. At least until you can get used to this arrangement. Dont feel insecure at all, you are beautiful and sweet and a good wife and bring alot to the table. The sad reality many women face is even thou they could be the best wife of the year, their husbands would still want to get a 2nd. I call it them being ungrateful. But lets stay positive. Wish I was there so we could go shopping or something. Retail therapy is good. What I would say is try to have a talk with him about some ground rules that you feel you need for your sanity and happiness. Inshallah things will get better. It took me about 4 mths to get to this point btw still a ways to go.

  6. Why would you have to deal with seeing your hubby's other wife everyday when you know that would make it more difficult to bear. How about asking the hubby to man up and give you both your rights of separate accommodation. Living together is only for those who agree to it. May Allah ease the situation for you.

  7. Yurp...We sacrifice because we look at the greater goal of Jennah. Men don't seem to be able to get past the dunya on this issue. When I look at it from a certain light, it seems that we who sacrifice so much to support them in polygyny, out of love, are much stronger. After all, we don't turn their lives upside down chasing after our desires and finding solutions to our weaknesses. Allah, however, is the Best of Planners and this sacrifice may be the thing that elevates us to Jennah al Firdaus...


Life is too short to be hateful. Just because you disagree with something, doesn't make it wrong. I welcome your comments but please refrain from being hateful. :)