Saturday, October 23, 2010

How honest should one be at first?

Salaam to everyone out there...

Real quick question.  My husband tells me tonight that he is going to stop telling these women he is married already.  He is going to wait and get to know them a little bit before he tells them.  He is afraid he is scaring them off.   Hmmm... Ok... I am back to wanting to slap someone again.  Is this ok?  I seriously thinks he needs to speak with a Shaikh or someone with some knowledge about this.  I think he is too "rushed" and not willing to wait for what ALLAH (swt) has in store for him.

What do you guys think?  Should he be upfront with them or wait after a few conversations to tell them?


  1. salaam alaikum

    I think its deceitful of him to not tell the woman up front. He should be open and honest and inform potential wives that he is looking for a second wife. Since the purpose is marriage there is no reason for him to get to know the woman first before marriage (as in talking on the phone, chatting, etc) he should stick to the islamic guidelines of finding a wife and keep it halal. Is there a reason why he wants a second wife right this minute? It takes time to find a good spouse and he shouldnt rush it. I remember before i got married i met a few men online who told me they were interested in marriage. we started talking (asking questions about one another through emails etc) and they told me weeks later that they were already married and wanted me as a second wife. I felt angry that they wasted my time because i wasnt looking to be a second wife. there are some women who have no problem with it which is why he needs to be honest and not waste his or her time. There is a woman i know on fb (not personally) but she wears niqab and seems practicing that is looking to be a second wife, i could give you her page if youd like to have him contact her, let me know!

  2. Salamu Alaikum sis,

    As Muslims theres no room for secrecy in our lives. Part of validity of marriage is that its announced to everyone (Its Sunnah to have a walimah)and this is for that reason.

    Marriage should never be kept a secret, its no better to delay this important factor of his life because sooner or later the people hes hiding it from will find out.

    When you first meet a person, one of the first questions that arrise is if they are married or have kids or live at home with parents. So how would one wait after a few conversations, or avoid answering such questions which require honest answers?

    sis, Wallahi I have no problems with polygany what-so-ever, but I have a problems with men who hide stuff (regardless of if they are married to 1 or 4 women. )


  3. I so agree with you! He needs to seek guidance and get back on track with this.
    Just by saying that, that he is not even married to you, is SO INCREDIBLY demeaning!
    The way he keeps moving and moving on this subject makes it seem like he is just playing around to meet his wants (NOT NEEDS) as quickly as he possibly can. This isn't the game of LIFE, this IS life!!! Your life shouldn't be swinging back and forth on whatever whim he feels like following next.
    You both need to visit this "Shaikh" or someone who can get him on the right track.
    It's not fair to you and not fair to your life together.

  4. Salaams, I do not think this is a good idea. One of my friends was talking with a guy for months before he told her he was married and looking for a 2nd wife. She didnt want any part of polygamy situation and was very hurt because she got attached. I think he should be open and honest becuz he wants someone that is willing and open to the idea, no need to find someone then totally bamboozle them. Just my two cents. If its meant to be the woman whoever she is will come one way or another.

  5. Assalaam alaykum, You know what sister, there is no need to go ask a sheikh, for its likely he would be told there is no daleel that stays a man has to inform a woman he wants to marry that hes already married, and yes! I read this as the statement of a respected sheikh. This is the same arguement or justification being used to say a man does not need to tell his wife hes getting married, bla blah. Well, as far as I'm concerned, there is FATWA and there is TAQWA. and we'll all give account of our deeds. Anyone with even half a brain would know that its not good to be deceitful and hide behind "some sheik" said its ok. but well, whatever, its really a man's world anyway. Lets just focus on getting to jannah insha Allah.

  6. Slm sister! I didn't read all your posts, but how is your husband "meeting" these women? The halaal way is to speak via their male guardians. Do you really want to be in this situation? Bear in mind:
    A lot of Arab men can't afford the dowries in their home countries, marrying a revert is a 'bargain'. Then ask yourself, why are the dowries so high? Is it because these women know their feelings won't count for much so "cash in" while they can? Remember, you come from a Western culture where money does not play such a big role in marriage as women generally could be self-sufficient, not so in Arab countries. Therefore, your expectations hinge more on the emotional companionship aspect.
    Also, reverts are susceptible to agree to polygeny because they think it's part of mainstream Islam, it's not ! only about 2% practice. Also, reverts don't have a lifetime of experience in a Muslim community to draw on where there are ample examples of how Muslim men usually mess it up totally and how polygamy ends up in heartache, disfunctional families and divorce. Also reverts try to show their 'sincerity' as new Muslims by tolerating situations that they would never have before.

  7. Oh, and let me guess - some random sheikh acted as your guardian at your wedding? if your real father were Muslim he would never have agreed to such an arrangement. (unless your family is really poor and you would be unable to marry anyone else who can provide for you, for example you lived in rural India or somewhere). That's why the mufti's always reminisce about their happy childhoods with their 3 stepmothers and 50 brothers and sisters living in the same apartment. Listen, if these women don't mind sharing an apartment with at least 10 other people (co-wives or not), it means there are serious socio-economic issues at play here. If your marriage is a means of economic survival, which BTW it was for women until only last century, the emotional aspect takes a secondary role. Also, at the time of revelation, Islamic polygamy was a trillion times better than the conditions non-Muslim women of the time were facing, i.e. limited to four with strict conditions on their treatment. But times have changed. Why didn't your husband go to Afghanistan and interview for four wives at once? I'm sure they would have jumped at the opportunity because they can actually benefit from such an arrangement.... Remember, the first wife of the Prophet pbuh in the polygenous union was Sawda RA, a destitute widow who was older than him pbuh, and described as 'homely' (unactractive) - in other words, she was unlikely to get a proposal from any other man. The Prophetic example shows that polygeny is to help women, not to exploit them.

    Divorce is halaal. What your husband is doing, is not.

  8. Salaam Sisters... Thank you for all your comments. The one I really would like to address is @ ummhumayra. Yes, I understand the urge for some men in arab countries that go for western women due to high doweries. Thats not my husbands case. I did not forgo a dowery nor have I given up any of my rights as his wife. I cant say that I wont accept Polygyny because I have not even "tried" it. How can I say it will be awful when I dont even know yet. My husband and I have opened this dialouge a lot more lately...alhamdulliah.

    As for whether this is halal...I dont think it is. And I have expressed this to him and he has agreed to always be upfront with the women. No secrets. If its meant to be it will happen the right way. My husband in a good honest man...alhamdulillah. Sometimes we all need a little guidance.

    As for "some randon Shaikh" acting as my My wali was a reputable sharia court judge.....Mashallah! I was aware of all before I married.

    Thank you all for your insight. I appreciate all your feedback..

    @slave2allah...yes, forward me your info on the sister looking to be #2.

  9. I meant @rene to forward me the information...but if anyone has a woman in mind..send me the information..haha

  10. Ohh and another point. My husband called my father and asked him before he even asked me to marry him. :) He is a wonderful man...sometimes I just need to step back and look at the situation. I could be with someone who drinks, beats me up or much worse....Alhamdullilah...

  11. your father agreed to your marriage knowing that your husband would be looking for wife nr. 2 ASAP?

  12. @ Anonymous...If you read my profile you will see that I am a "30 something convert" .. My father had no say in who I married as I am an adult and he is Christian, not Muslim.

  13. that's what I mean, if your father were Muslim, he very likely would not have agreed to your marrying someone who has already expressed to take a second wife ASAP. but BECAUSE you are a revert and your father has no say, no one could veto such a decision on your behalf. the Muslim fathers of my Muslim friends put clauses in their marriage contracts to prevent their daughters from ever having to face your situation. just for interest sake, what does your father think of the polygamy quest? BTW the Prophet SAW prevented Ali RA from taking another wife while married to Fatima RA - and they were already married! saying 'whatever grieves Fatima, grieves me'.

  14. @ Anonymous....At 34 yrs old I can guarentee you that I would not allow someone to "veto" my decision to marry someone.

    It's not right to say to someone "You are not allowed to do something that ALLAH has said is halal" You can give yourself the right to exit the relationship, but you cant prevent him something that ALLAH has said is his right.

    As for what my father thinks of polygamy....Really? What do you think he thinks of it? I come from a Christian family so my answer to that question would be is he would not approve. That is my educated guess as I have not discussed this situation with him. Islam is foreign and outdated for them to understand...(their words)

  15. It's also halaal for a husband to emigrate to any country but if a future move to rural Yemen may seriously impact on the wife's standard of living or happiness due to separation from her family, she may put a clause in her contract to prevent emigration without her consent. The point is, a woman must communicate her 'conditions' before the marriage, which the husband can accept or reject as he sees fit. Once you are married, you are obliged to go along with your husband's plans. However, if you follow the opinion that you cannot put polygamy clauses in your contract, you can at least discuss the issue with him, and then decide. (which you did) It is not Islam that oppresses women, it is women who do not make full use of their rights.


Life is too short to be hateful. Just because you disagree with something, doesn't make it wrong. I welcome your comments but please refrain from being hateful. :)