Monday, December 13, 2010

Hmmmmm.... Contentment and Misyar Marriage

Salaam Bloggers....

So, I had a wonderful chat with a friend tonight.  I have decided to move on and be happy.  I love my husbnad and I want to be happy. 

He mentioned to me the other day about a misyar marriage to this girl he knows out of the country......I AM ALL FOR IT!!!

He gets what he wants and I get some "me/spa" time every few months.!!!  And, I dont have to see her or know about her until I am ready and ALLAH guides us down that path...inshallah!

I told him to go.  Do it.  Get it over with already! 

What do you all think of Misyar marriages??  I am their #1 fan right now...haha

33 comments:

  1. Google it for a better explanation but basicly its when a woman gives up some of her rights..support, time and she usually will stay in her home with family.

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  2. I found this on wikipedia....explains it better...

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nikah_Misyar

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  3. o.k don't get me started here....but what happened to the villa and big family living next to each other, i was so into that even i wanted to come stay..lol.this will not be a happy or healthy marriage for the other girl, unless of course he plans on bringing her there..what happens if there are children...oh, my heart!is she older and just wants to be with someone for a real short period in the year? is she residing in the middle east and needs a marham...oh, questions, questions; too much suspense..but you know what's best for you guys, and i admire that he always informs you and gets your opinion first...nice. al-determine

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  4. haha @ Al... you want to come?? lol Well, the villa is still a possibility. This young woman is out of the country, nearby, but still in her last stages of University. They would marry but only under these circumstances. It would be good for now. Who knows what time will bring to the table. Still a villa down the road but for now I think this is the way to go. I think its good to get used to the idea before we all just "jump into it and ride off into the sunset" I think this will allow time to move things forward in its own time.

    You are always more than welcome to come... (just cross the bridge :)... a hint on where I am..hahah shhhhhh

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  5. And yes, one thing I can say about my husband is he always communicates with me. We are best friends. Sometimes I think he "communicates too much" but I appreciate it all the same.

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  6. sounds great! al-determine

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  7. It is not considered islamic by most of the muslims. It is not an honorable thing for muslim women at all. No muslim woman from a good family would agree to that unless she needs to make some money. What is the difference than being a mistress for sometime. By just naming a haram thing differently does not make it halal.

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  8. Misyar marriage. hmmmm.. I just wonder why are you okay with this, but against a proper marriage contract with another woman? Do you know of the consequences that affect a woman in misyar marriage? Not only is it demeaning to her but it could really affect her as she would giving up most of her rights. I'm not going go into what Misyar marriage is, but basically alot of rights of marriage are lost for the sake of mere pleasure.

    Shaykh Al-Albaani (r.a) disallowed misyar marriage because of its negative affects against society. Although you will find a fatwa which says it is permissable, its allowed on very strict consequences, basically it would have to be the only option.

    Oh and I hear a sister asking if she wants to be "married" for a short period of time. That is equivilant to a temporary marriage, which is the same is Mutah. In Islam, theres no such thing as a marriage with the intention of leaving. Its either your married or your not.

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  9. I thought misyar marriages were not allowed in islam?

    COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS re: communication between you and your husband. Some of us are left to our imagination of what "could happen" rather than what is... and unfortunately no communication with DH, the possibility of polygyny and a wifes imagination is not a good combination.

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  10. I looked up the explaination. What is the point? Seems to me like the only point is sex.

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  11. Comment to all.... Misyar marriages are not haram. The marriage follows all the same prcacices...ie...dowry, witness, anoucning. The only differnece here is they wont live together as she will stay in her country and finish her studies. Would she eventually come here? Not sure. This is in no means a "Mutwa" wedding or whatever it is the Shi'a do.

    As for this being just for sex. I dont see it that way. It's not a temporary marriage.

    As for me.. I think it is good.

    And @ Sarah... You ask why I would want this as opposed to a traditional wedding contract? Their contract will be Islamic. The only difference is that she wont be in "my face".... How is this any different than woman living seperate lives within the same community?

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  12. **Mut'ah is the propper term.

    ***I am in no way speaking ill against Shi'a.

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  13. Even in islam you will find fatwas to do all haram stuff with arabic names. Having a mistress, having an affair and one night stand; you can find fatwas which allows all these things under different arabic names. In your case, It seems like a trial marriage, similar to as people in west sleep with each other to find if they are compatible enough to get married. What is the difference? This is really disgusting.

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  14. Islam came to the area of Arab because they were the most ignorant, barbaric and inhuman people on the earth. After all Islam didn't change arab to become better people. They are still the worst in the world. There was no regard or importance of women before Islam and it is still more or less the same. Men have invented all workarounds even in islam to satisfy their desires and women are just objects, they don't really matter.

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  15. Please explain to me why this is disgusting and backwards when it was brought up by the female in this situation. This will allow her to continu her studies and still be married. Think outside of the box. Not all Arabs are horney and irresposible.

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  16. What would happen if she fell pregnant with your husband's child? how are you going to avoid seeing her if that happens?

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  17. At Anonymous 10:22... First off.. I would hope she wouldnt fall while pregnant... That wouldnt be good..... Secondly...I dont want to see her now... Dosent mean things wont change in the future. I never said I was closed off to the idea indefinatly. Please dont put words in my mouth. And if the situation happens that she dosent move in a "big villa" with us all together....I will do just fine not seeing her. Woman who live in islamic polygyny have the right to their own houses. I dont HAVE to see her if I dont want to. Woman do it all the time...

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  18. Let me clarify that this young woman is not 18 yrs old...She is in her mid 20's. She isnt a kid. She is a woman with a University education. No one is forcing her into doing anything that she dosent want to do......She is the one that is pursing my husband....

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  19. Why can't your husband be happy with just you? Why, if he knows you do not want to share him, is he still wanting to take another wife?

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  20. Good question Abby.....Only time will tell. He was supposed to travel this next week to go to this country but now has changed his mind. I am not sure what is going on. I think if it is right it is right. He will know in his heart what is the right thing to do. I don't really think its a matter of "being happy with me." I am the whole pakg...as one of my blogger friends would say..I AM AWESOME..haha.. Polygymy is allowed in Islam. Just a part of our life. I think it is in some mens DNA to be "plural" ... dosent mean anything is wrong ith the first wife, or the second, or the third and so on. Its something that they choose to practice and its halal.

    I wish us women had the answer as to why men act the way they do. God made us both different ....thats for sure...

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  21. i think, actually i know, that if my husband had enough money, i could bet on him eyeballing more than one wife...your not alone when men want this..all men love women!hehe..they want to taste all of them..yum yum lol. al-detemine

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  22. I am curious why the young woman wants to enter this type of marriage. I understand that it allows her to finish her studies, but why not just stay single and do that? Or why not get married the normal way and have the man set her up in her own housing and still continue her studies? Does this have to do with her culture? Is there a stigma in her culture for not being married? What advantages are there in this kind of arrangement for the women?

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  23. @ al ... Yeah, all men would love to do it. It is just "built in to them" its how they are wired. I would loose my mind completly if I took the time to try to figure them out. I tried once and just about ended up in a straight jacket...hahah

    @ Anonymous 4:45... Can I ask you a question? What is a normal marriage? Are you a Muslim? If you are a muslim, than you would understand that in order to have a true Islamic marriage valid, conditions must be met. Wali, dowry, consent, contract, and announcement. If all of these are met, who are you to say it isnt a normal marriage? Did you know that staying single can tempt you into fitnah? If the woman wants a companion, why deny her that? If she has agreed to stay where she is, finish her studies, see her husband once every month or two...why does that make her wrong? The advantages are being married for one. Being able to speak to someone on the phone, tell them about your day, help your family with money and spend the time together THAT YOU BOTH AGREE ON. This may not be a permanate situation. My husband and her may decide she is better off here. For now, this is what she wants. As for stigma in the culture? I cant answer that for you. And I dont know if my husband will set her up in a house or not. I am assuming no. She lives with her family and I am sure what ever money sent to her will go for her family home.

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  24. The relationship you have with your husband is truly unhealthy. Misyar marriage or Mutah marriage it's the same thing spelt a different way. You are so blind to your own obvious problems

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  25. @ Anonoymous 11:42... For your information, my husband and I have a very healthy and loving relationship. Aside from being husband and wife, we are best friends. I didnt realize that you know us personally and have the knowlege to make such a statement. You must have forgotten your crazy pills today or got a little too much crack in the pipe you were toaking away on....Really, that stuff will mess you up bad! As for me being blind...I can see very well! Alhamdulillah! My eyes are good and the problems in my life seem small in comparison to the issues you must have to make you jump from blog to blog hiding behind the name "anonymous" and leave stupid ignorant posts on peoples blogs. You poor thing...really, walk away from the crack pipe...life will be soooo much better for you! Inshallah....you will be ok. Is it that you are such a horiable and ugly person that you arent even able to find someone even for a misyar or mutwh marriage? Inshallah....Maybe one day, you will become the 4th wife to a nice big fat Arab that smells of garlic....ahhhh one can only hope....

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  26. I am anon 4:45. I didn't mean for my questions to come across in a negative way. I am not Muslim, but I have been doing some reading about the religion to understand it better. I only said normal because you referred to the marriage your husband is considering as a "Misyar" marriage. To me that meant it was a different type of marriage. So I used the word normal to refer to a regular or the usual or "norm" type of Islamic marriage. I was just trying to understand what the difference for the woman was between the different types of marriage to understand better. I didn't mean to infer it was wrong because you are right - who am I too say that! I was just seeking information to understand. That is why I asked about the stigma in her culture. I was just wondering if in her culture she was looked down upon because she was not married? In some cultures that is the case. My questions were only to try to understand why the woman was looking for a "Misyar" marriage rather than the regular Islamic marriage - what the advantages were for her in doing so and you answered that. Thank you for doing so.

    I can see that you are getting a lot of negativity on this subject - but my questions were not meant to add to it - just clarify for understanding. I apologize if I came across any other way.

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  27. Ok.. now I'm gonnag give you my 5cents...
    I think, from all I've read so far, that perhaps the word Misyar does not apply here... From what you have said, this is only because she wants to finish her University and that after that.. who knows! You have said that your husband is not marrying her with the intention to divorce her in a given period of time... SO MY DEAR... this marriage is just like any other.. it's NOT A MISYAR MARRIAGE!!!! There are many foreigners here in the US who marry from their country and they must leave their wives behind for some time, due to Visa problems, or yes, education!!! That does not mean they will divorce them in a year or two.. but it's done with the intention that when she finished school then the normal course of life will follow... I'M I MAKING SENSE TO YOU?! The term Misyar is used for another kind of arrangement.. with another kind of intention... and Allah knows BEST!

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  28. @Cm... No need to appologize.. :) I am glad to hear you are reading on Islam to learn more..Inshallah..You will find all you need to know to help you learn more. I am sorry if I "snapped" back at you.

    @UmmUmmar...Why is there such an issue with calling it what it is? Yes you make sense to me but not calling it what it is dosent. Misyar marriage is not "with the intention to divorce in a few years" It means when a woman gives up some of her rights. In this case, she is giving up her right to live with and see my husband on a normal basis. What anyone deems "another kind of intention" is on them. But as definition stands, thats what it is. Giving up of certain rights, nothing else. I am sure some hide behind the term marriage for their own selfish reasons and call it misyar but there are a whole lot of people out there that marry for the same reasons and call it "traditional".

    Anyway...I dont think it will happen. My husband told me last night that it isnt on the top of his list. I think he is too jealous of a person to be that far away from his wife...even for a short while. My goodness, when I am late from work he freaks out..haha.

    I appreciate everyones comments, but obviously we all have our ideas on what misyar is. I believe the definition of it is what I stated before. I have gotten this information from a Shaikh, and islam question and answer ... I have done my research and have come to the conclusion that IT IS NOT A TEMPORARY MARRIAGE. People can marry "traditonal" and have it wind up temporary. It is what it is. We will have to agree to disagree.

    I am closing out this conversation on my end. You all can continue to debate this but for the purpose of peace,I wont add my 2 cents anymore...

    Love you all for the sake of ALLAH and if I have done or said anything to offend anyone, I am truly sorry...

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  29. Salaam..

    So much dispute about MISYAR-marriage which is quite common on this part of the world.
    This is a legal marriage with all the marriage contract etc. except.. the misyar wife doesn't live together with her husband all the time.

    Misyar marriage can be defined as a marriage contract between a man and a woman, in which the woman waives some of the rights she would have in a normal Islamic marriage. This sometimes takes place when, for example, there are many women who, as they get older, find it increasingly difficult to marry. In this case a woman opts for a husband who is not able to fulfil the normal marital duties like financial maintenance, or spending adequate time with her, for example. She considers that marrying such a husband is better than remaining unmarried.

    It’s noteworthy that once a marriage contract meets its Shari`ah requirements, it will be acceptable from the Islamic point of view irrespective of what people call such contract. Conditions of valid marriage are: The consent of both spouses, the consent of the wali (guardian), the payment of the dower, the presence of the witnesses, and the announcement of the contract.
    There are so many ... young women wanting to be a MISYAR-wife.. from Morocco, Tunisia, Saudia.. etc.
    Very wellknown page for finding MISYAR-wives is www.ezaawaj.com
    Just have a look at the ages of all these young ladies, who are anxious to be a misyar-wife..
    Why they need such a kind of marriage...is good to ask from themselves...

    For my point of view this is a good solution for the time being.. as life will show what it will bring up later.. Inshallah!

    God bless & protect you... Ameen

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  30. sorry I meant to post this here.
    If you take a look at all Religions, only Islam clearly commands to ''Marry only one''. Taking more than one wife is not a Requirement. It is a ''Permission'' heavily conditioned and those abusing it are being un-islamic. That's why it is important to remember that Islam (properly translated into Englisg as: Surrender to the will of Allah in a Complete way of life) cannot be equated with the Muslims.

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  31. I'm surprised at all the negative comments here. I just want to say that I've very happy for you because YOU seem happy about the situation. I think it is wonderful that you and your hubby are best friends, I am lucky enough that my hubby and I are also best friends. It's a wonderful thing to have in your relationship. If this makes you and your husband happy then that is wonderful. Take care and I'm glad things are looking up.

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  32. Salaams to all!

    Misyar became wildly popular about ten years ago when the rulings came out of Saudi about it. I remember the big hullaboo over the causeway about it, lol. The only issue I have with misyar is that it goes against what Islam has set forth as the responsibilities of the husband and wife. For the woman to give up some of her rights, is for her to give up something Allah has ordained for her. For the man to agree, is for him to not fulfill the duties Allah has placed on him. All that said, yes it is considered halal and most certainly, to have a wife far away (relatively) rather than have to go through everything from day one on your doorstep is a much better way of entering into polygyny. This is all theoretically speaking though, as my husband married normally but for the first two or three months she was states away (an 8 hour drive) and it ended up being a great fitnah. Once the marriage has taken place, it is amazing how the dynamics can suddenly change and how much your husband can end up traveling back and forth when the distant wife calls in her markers and says she needs to see more of him...or, Qadr Allah, falls pregnant.

    Polygyny is hard, not just for the usual reasons, but because shaytaan has a whole new arsenal to use in this arena...and some of it we cannot imagine until it hits us. May Allah give you, and all us poly-wives, the strength, emaan, and taqwa to get through it - ameen.

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Life is too short to be hateful. Just because you disagree with something, doesn't make it wrong. I welcome your comments but please refrain from being hateful. :)