So as I sit here on a slow day at the office, my mind is wandering...... there has been no recent talk of a Second wife. My summer was consumed with the topic and now, nothing. There was a potential in Las Vegas and then again in the country I am living in. Nothing. Things just kind of dropped out. I even go on his "Muslim Dating Page" and the membership has expired???.....
Ok, one of two things....Done, or hiding it from me. After my last "freak out" session, he informed me that it is too much for me so he will just stop talking about it with me. That was a few months ago. When I ask him now, he just says he isnt talking to anyone and is focusing on fixing up our house.
Now, (my mind wanders again) when he says fixing up the house I think again, one of two things...haha Getting it ready for my future co-wife or finally listening to my nagging.
I am confused here. Should I worry or be happy?
Really...if he does do this....I think I will bounce. I was ok with it at one time but now, not so much. My feelings have changed and I know now that this isnt for me. I wish him all the best, but this American girl will call it a day. Who knows, I may think differently but right now, yeah....not for me!
I appreciate that he was honest from you with the begining. You accepted even after he told you, and now you wanna "bounce". Why couldn't you be honest with him from the begining and tell him that you wouldn't stick around if he took a second?
ReplyDeleteYes, he was very open and honest with me, right from the begining. As was I. I never thought that this would be a problem for me. Not for one moment did I think that this would effect me as much as it has. What I have been thru is an emotional roller coaster, and he knows it. Life happens, every day. Our thoughts change, as well as our wants and needs. When I was 20, I thought I wanted to be a stripper...haha. Goals change as our life experience changes. Its life. I cant help how I feel inside. It is what it is. I know that I would not be able to be the wife and friend he wants and needs if I know he is sleeping with and having a relationship with another woman. Just wont happen for me.....
ReplyDeleteSalaams, i complety 100% understand what you are going thru. Although I wasnt ok with it in the beginning and still am not. There was a time when I felt like "hmm maybe this could work, maybe me and the cowife could be freinds." Now after it all is said and done i feel like running for the hills. No blame at all if you choose to leave if it happens. We all know what we can and cannot handle and live with. I wouldnt bring up the topic again to him. But just know that this is a lifestyle he plans to practice, so eventually it will probablly happen. It may be sooner or later. Hugs to you
ReplyDeleteI've been in the same roller-coaster ride you find yourself in for 2 years now... so I know exactly how you feel. Do not "sleep in your laurels"... Once they make up their mind they continue the search. My guess, from the little that I know about your situation, is that he doesn't want to hurt you by making it apparent that he's still looking... so he's taking a break to 'let the waters calm down a bit'... but trust me, they continue looking!! You have to make up your mind: Do you want to know? or Do you prefer to keep oblivious until he tells you he's found someone? Whatever the answer, you need to communicate this to him and get a straight answer! Some women prefer not to know anything at all.. even after their husbands have remarried... and in that case 'ignorance is bliss'! But if you think you cannot go through the whole thing at all, then you need to have a 'sit down' talk with him and let him know where you stand. It's important to have a good understanding with your spouse.. especially since you both have to 'look at each other' every day!!! ..and nobody likes to get unwanted-surprises.. for either of you. I pray Allah(swt) make things clear and easy for you, Aameen! Keep making Du'aas... no Du'aa gets unanswered!!! Allah(swt) either gives you what you want, replaces it for something which will be better for you, or He(swt) keeps it until the Day of Judgement... and 'that' day we all will wish He(swt) would have kept all our Du'aas for 'that' day!! Keep well.. and keep strong!! :D
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback ladies...wow, I cant imagine living like this for 2 years! Crazy.... I am not sure what I want. I know I am done with the crazy idea of all living in one house! LOL I think I would be ok if he met someone from another country and stayed there. If he went there a couple times a year...lol We will see. Only time will tell. I commend you Jaiyana for your currage and your strength!
ReplyDeleteMy first husband told me he had a one-night stand with someone after we had been married for six weeks. I then agreed that we would have an 'open' marriage. That deal was what eventually ended our marriage. I suppose that's why I consider one of the most important things in my current relationship is the fact that I can trust my fiance- (yep, got engaged) to not be running around behind my back. I'm fairly certain that I wouldn't be a good candidate for a polygamous marriage. I hope that you find the answers you are seeking and that the answer when it comes will give you peace- in this life and the next. Hope to hear from you soon!
ReplyDeleteAhh the "open marriage" yeah, my first husband and I did that as well in the begining of our marriage. Young and dumb. That as well lead to the many issues that lead to the demise of our marriage. Mabrook (congratulations) on the engagement!! Wowowow yipppee! I am sooo happy for you! When is the big day?
ReplyDeleteYeah, as for the polygamous marriage, the jury is still out on that one. This has been a hard pill for me to swallow. It is allowed in Islam and is even Sunnah(the following of the prophetPBUH) but so is monogomy. I am in a uniqe situation as he was very clear about this before we got married. Now I am the one backing out of it. If done correctly, polygymy has its place in our society, just not sure I want it in "mine" lol
Another way to look at it is to consider that polygamy is allowed because sex outside of marriage is forbidden (and theoretically punishable by death) - so no pre-marital sex, no prostitution and no affairs. The only way for a Muslim man to have physical relations with more than one woman (with a limit of only 4 at a time!), is to marry them first, support them financially, commit to them for life, and take responsibility for any offspring. Compare this to the non-Muslim set-up where a man can have as many girlfriends as he wishes without committing to any of them, and then perhaps choose one that he likes enough to marry, but then nothing prevents him from having an affair or going to a prostitute. On the whole, Islamic polygamy is much more respectful and empowering to women. (but obviously still very very hard when it's YOUR husband looking for number 2,3 and 4). I myself was actively pro-polygamy on intellectual, feminist and philantropic grounds... until I got married to a single guy.... :-) Now the thought of sharing my husband makes me feel ill!!
ReplyDeletemaybe if you help your husband choose someone who really is in need of a husband (poor, destitute, widow/ divorcee with children) you will feel better about it (and get more reward insha Allah). Also, from what I've heard, acceptance is easier for older ladies, whose expectations of marriage have mellowed (?). Allah knows best.
ReplyDeleteSalam
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time visiting your blog. You are a new Muslim and I think a priotity for him should have been teaching you about Islam, all of Islam instead of wanting to look for another wife right away.
Salams First Wife, this is my first time commenting on your blog. Something I found helpful in the past for me, was not worrying so much about "when things get quiet". I know it's easier said than done. The quietness may mean nothing is really going on, or something might be. You just don't know for sure, unless he is really honest, and will tell you the truth. I've learned it's better for your sanity to just live life and enjoy each other. Chances are nothing is going on. If it is don't stress yourself over it. Try to focus on you, and living your life peacefully. When I knew things were going on I'd seriously make so much dua, and extra prayers, Salatul Hajat, ect. I know it's so hard. The prelude can itself be completely devastating. I would always think to myself Allah loves me and doesn't want me to suffer. I'm not saying all polygamous marriages are bad or suffering, but mine was not a good situation. Do what is best for you. Salams (Umm Asadullah)
ReplyDeleteAssalaamu alaykum First Wive. It's ok to feel upset that he might get married again but it's the 'shopping around' that gets me upset!
ReplyDeleteThe emotional rollercoaster you described... just like it gets us upset, it makes them salivate. Sometimes I think it's the thought of having more than one that's so appealing.
I'm so over the talking about it. I say to him, 'If you're going to do it, just do it. Stop talking to me about it' Honestly I think they get off on it. I'm not his confidant in this matter I wish he'd stop discussing it with me and either leave it alone or say, 'OK, I found someone'.
Take care sis.
i agree with the comments above. i have another thought...try looking at your husband as a typical american guy who likes drama in his life. he is no different than any other guy in this world..just you see him different like all american girls who marry arabs...they are no different...america has some of the most goodlookin guys and you can deal with them at the same level. just another comment, still trying to figure the husband out...al-determined.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous 9:33....."like all American girls who marry Arabs?" Hmmmmm...I see him different how?
ReplyDelete''like all american girls'' ...i guess what i was trying to say is would you see him the same if he were a blonde blue eyed handsome american muslim man...i have friends and family married to men from china to italy, and they and myself have many problems to resolve in daily life. i hope i don't babble on or contradict myself... i know that the foreigners that my friends and family are married to don't practice polymy...but some have cheated on them, because they were being ignored or wifey not taking care of herself, even my own arab husband talked of other women...but i let him know where the door was...that was the answer to that, and always will be...then i started looking at myself and fixing what was wrong the best i could. i think american girls feel poly is exceptable coming out of an arab country, because of islam recognizing it...but i know arab girls do not like it, and i am muslim, but no way is it going to be a part of my life..to many fish in the sea, i can replace my hubby just as fast as he can say "i do".and the religion part is put to the side because they don't practice poly like it is supposed to be practiced...at least a lot, i know of rich ones, but each wife has her own apartment in the same building of the family, and each get the same money...you talked of sharing a house and kitchen...does he not have enough money to support what he even craves..i'm still trying to figure it out..don't quit your job yet, you will be so bored, unless he does have lots of money...start cooking arab meals...the key is the spices, find a female family member that you like and learn from her or them... one day at a time...things will get better...remember he married YOU! al-determined
ReplyDeletei just read from a different post, but will comment on this one because i will get lost in your blog if i post comments on different posts...but i read your husband has money and businesses...why are you doing the laundry when you can have a maid...or go to a drycleaner/laundry.thobes are not costy here in the gulf to clean. maybe ask around, someone should know of a good place. al-determined
ReplyDeleteI do the laundry and housecleaning because we just havent gotten around to a maid yet. We had one a while back but she didnt work out. Being from the states I am not used to the idea of someone in my house 24/7. I would say with in the next few months or so we will have one. My husband has already started to check it out. As for taking the clothes to the laundry to clean...that I prefer to do at the house. I take big items but thats it. Last time my hubby took thobes to the cleaner they came bag with the reciept stapled on it directly! They wrote on my quilt with marker...ughhh.. Anyway, I take blankets and some abayas..thats it
ReplyDeleteoh ya that stapling thing...basterds...al-determined
ReplyDelete