So..I pose a question to all my convert friends and born Muslims alike that are living in polygyny. Do you feel like a doormat?
**When polygyny was brought up to you, did you like it right away or did it take time to "grow on you"?
**Why do some Muslim women have such an issue with polygyny and show their dislike by lashing out at their Muslim Sisters instead of helping them and loving them for the sake of ALLAH(swt)?
**I guess my question is, why does it seem we spend so much time defending our feelings? Are we not allowed to have good days and bad days but yet still love our husband and our Religion?
**I am really interested in comments from you that are living successful polygyny lifestyles. Are you married to an Arab? Some people think that just because we are married to an Arab they somehow "brainwashed us".
I am an intelligent person with education and a whole lot of life experience but yet on the topic of polygyny, somehow people tend to think I am ignorant and naive.
**How did you all deal with this? Do you think maybe some of these born Muslim sisters feel threatened?
Also, to my fellow converts, did you convert before or after you married? (I converted almost a year before I met my husband, fyi)
On another note, it's a beautiful day! Alhamdullilah! The sun is shining, I have a wonderful husband and family. I went to the Dr the other day and all my "female parts" are working and no reason I shouldn't get pregnant. ALHAMDULLILAH!! I am going back in a few days to check on the progress this month and have an appt in a couple weeks for blood work to move this baby making along....
I pray you all have an Awesome day and I look forward to your comments.....
WOooooohoooooo glad your female parts are workingg sis!! Sorry can't relate to any of this, so I can't answer your questions but all I know is if Allah swt decrees polygany to be a part of my life in the future I'd want to be around kind positive Muslims. :) Ameen.
ReplyDeleteSalam,
ReplyDeleteIm glad the doctor gave you a clean bill of health Masha'Allah... Insha'Allah you will be blessed with a lil one!! :)
I also dont relate to your story.. I do have advice..
Live your Life to the FULLEST. If you and your husband wants to have a marriage of polygany then do so. All the other sisters that try to bring you down... Smile to them and say "thankyou, I will make dua for you. Insha'Allah Allah will help you feel less resentful and spiteful"... (sorry I'm Hispanic and American... being a smartbutt is kinda my thing sometimes... :) )
Salam
Mrs. Khan
Salaam alaikum
ReplyDeleteIm an American sister living in the Gulf..a convert of 12 years and I think that some Muslim women have issues with polygymy because of their jealousy which can be so strong sometimes.Lashing out is not excusable to me for any reason,so whoever does this has other problems within themselves, not just jealousy but anger issues and maybe not as strong of Iman as we should have. We all have ups and downs though..we just pray for stronger Iman and work towards regaining it.
That being said, we are allowed our feelings, our good and bad days, but we have to be careful how to express those feeling without hurting others and feeling guilty about it later. Especially when married to someone from another culture. I have had issues with this in the past, because what love is to me may entail differnt words/actions than my husband of another culture expects/needs. For instance when i say i love you i mean it. To him it may just be words. To him it may mean you love him because you always back down in an argument even when youre right (and he KNOWS youre right)...it may mean you love him because you always get up early and fix him breakfast..it may mean you love him because you want him to be happy no matter if it makes you miserable and you have to do all the sacrificing.
So we can still love our husband and religion deep in our hearts, but it may not appear so to others..in that case...who cares? You know what is in your heart. Just keep that open communication with your husband and make sure he knows you love him in your way.
I ve been living in a successful polygynous marriage for 11 years now. Im married to an arab , I was Muslim before I married him, and am the "2nd" wife. No brainwashing here...i second what you said...
'I am an intelligent person with education and a whole lot of life experience but yet on the topic of polygyny, somehow people tend to think I am ignorant and naive."
I'd like to contact you privately if possible:-)
my email address is mookty@yahoo.com
Wa alaykum as salaam wa Rahmat Allah wa Barakatuh.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to polygyny, the difference between those who have strong Islam and correct understanding of Allah, subhaana wa taala, and those who are confused and misguided shows up on these issues. You will find that many people who have been Muslim much longer than you, and especially born Muslims, lack tawakkal (total reliance and trust in Allah). This lack blinds them to the fact that everything Allah sends us is for our own good.
I converted 22+ years ago, and only got married 8+ years ago. He didn't tell me beforehand that he wanted another wife, so that was a bit of a difficult thing to hear afterward. Also, his reasons for wanting polygyny were to lower his gaze and stop him from "chasing skirt" as we say in England, which isn't anywhere near as noble as just expanding the family, helping out a sister, or any of those other reasons that make a wife feel a bit better about it all.
I am not married to an Arab, although I've known plenty of them! My dear friend for over 20 years is German married to a Bahraini and he has always wanted a second wife. They had a disastrous attempt and the subject has faded into the background, but his desire has never gone away. I've come to the conclusion that men are men when it comes to this subject. Perhaps we reach for that extra square of chocolate, they reach for that extra woman, LOL!
Never forget, in any situation and on any given day the strength your faith will increase and decrease. shaytaan is always at work, and at times we let our defenses down and find that he's poked his nose into our business and set us off the path of right thinking. The thing I have found best to avoid other people's endless comments and interference, is to avoid opening my mouth when I have those negative thoughts and bad days. Rather than "get it out of my system" I "have it out with shaytaan." Once that rotten devil has left me alone, I get back to people and sharing my thoughts.
That said, if you have those down days and feel that you need to work through it with someone, pick your person well. A good sister will know that it's shaytaan messing with your mind and help you get rid of him and back to right thinking.
Much, much, much love!
Mai
LOL to Mrs. Khan... "smartbutt".. yes, we Latinas have that 'implant' done from birth. LOL :)
ReplyDeleteSweetie... don't pay attention to bitterness!! Keep your course. Nobody is a 'doormat' who does not want to be!! and most importantly, MONEY and LUXURIES are no measure of love, true comfort, and least of all piety and connection with Allah(swt). All these things some women celebrate in their lives as a measure of success in their marriage (or someone else's marriage) is but a clear picture of how LOW, SELFISH and MATERIALISTIC our souls have become. "Dunya"? or "Aakhirah"? we are given the choice!!! some women want to have their Jannah here... LET THEM!!!
BTW... I showed my husband a recent comment one of your 'readers' posted recently... and he burst out in laughter!!! He said "Arab men marry converts because Arab women have gotten way too overboard with their materialistic outlook in life... in Dubai even the government had to start PAYING THE GROOMS in order for them to start marrying their own women... many nationals have married foreigners for that reason...." .. end-quote!
How did I feel when my husband brought the subject up? Devastated!!! ..yet remembered how not too long before our marriage I was waiting to become a 2nd wife.. and how we all got along and so I thought, why not?! I understood my husband's reasons well, and I decided to help him find someone... all along having a positive outlook for what I thought would be a great opportunity for all of us...
Why has that all changed? WOMEN... perhaps I come from a different 'make' than most, but where I come from (and this has nothing to do with religion) there is something called DIGNITY, SELF-RESPECT, and HONOR!!! ..unfortunately for my husband the Arab women he's encountered (and I pray the same does not hold true for the rest)are lacking.. .seriously lacking in all respects!! ..so I've been kind of 'warped'.. LOL
Oh, and no, my husband is not Arab. and Yes, we both converted way before we even met for marriage.
I truly pray this year brings much needed 'closure' for us... you and me both need our husbands to "just do it"!! so we can go on with our lives and get some stability... at least emotionally!!!
As always, my thoughts are with you!!
Take care of yourself, eat well, get plenty of rest, and start taking those prenatal vitamins from now!!! ..don't just wait until the 'bun' is in the oven... Folic Acid, at least 800mg!!!
Hugs :D
@UmmUmar... Yes!! Tell your husband that he said the same exact thing mine says too! Its CRAZY that these women expect so much.... It is not sunnah. Prophet Mohammed(pbuh) would be shocked at the way his Umrah are acting in regards to marriage. The one local Arab girl my husband was speaking with this summer request well over $10,000 dollars cash and gold...this dosent even cover the elaborate engagement ceremony nor the wedding expenses. Then to top it off, she wanted a 30 day honeymoon thru Paris, Rome and where ever else it was she wanted to go....Can you believe it?! Sooooo, that was the last Arab girl he spoke with and, just an added point, she is still unmarried....My husband says says that if a woman requests someting like that before marriage, one can only imagine what would happen durring the marriage. I hear so many stories from him in regards to his friends marrying local girl, taking out loans to pay for it and then paying for years to come. Meanwhile, she gets to keep all her money PLUS the money she got for her "mahr"...Sickening! I am all for giving a woman her rights, and the woman demanding her full rights from her husband, but really....do they want to start a marriage with this attitude? May ALLAH guide them the right way. And yes, our husbands need to get this done with so we can move on!!! LOL... I tell you what, you help me and I will help you...I will keep my eyes open for a non gold digging Arab girl, I am sure there are still some out there, and you keep your eyes peeled for a mature, well educated American girl...LOL And lastly, I started taking my folic acid yesterday, back on the elyptical today and am enjoying my rest since my husband is traveling.... :) Inshallah, this will be the year for us all....
ReplyDelete@Mai... Habibti!!! Your advice is something that I plan to implement in my life from this day forward. InshaAllah! Your advise that the hateful words of others are from Satan makes perfect sence...I will close that out and replace it with good...
@A woman in black...Thank you for the comment. Mashallah... so glad to know a fellow American convert isnt "brainwashed"...lol You will have to tell us your story of being a second wife. I would love to hear how it is for you...InshaAllah
@Sarah...Thank you dear for all your kindness you show me everyday...Inshallah, whatever is meant to be for you, Allah will fill your heart with love and patience...
@Mrs. Khan...hahah You and UmmUmar and your "latino" moods...Mashallah.. You two make me laugh. Thank you for the advice...I do intend to live my life the way I want to...there will always be people who disagree with you but ultimatly it is your life to live, not theirs...
Salam alaykoom in new year dear First Wife :)
ReplyDeleteRegarding to the mahr problem you have touched in your comments. I heard from one of Arabic ladies, that western wives of Arabs are worth nothing. Why? Because they are jumping into their beds and signing marriage contracts for free ;) :D
Of course it's not the only opinion about westerns but it's really silly isn't it?
Yes, we are from different culture not expecting money for marriage. For us the marriage is not a bussines contract like for some Arabic women is. We love the man and we want to support him in any situation, to care of him and to build the family with him.
One of girls my husband had choosen to mery her in the past was his first big love. Born muslimah, very young studying at colledge yet. After 8 months of typing and calling they became engaged. And the problems appeared surprisingly, because that girl told him of her conditions: 15000$ of mahr + 5000$ in gold and he must pay for her wedding dress, party and cosmetics,beauty saloons, honeymoon on Europe as well and 1500$ per month for her as a wife. Moreover: maid, big house and some silly requires more. Really shocking. And where was this big love she was talking about before?
I know some Arab ladies are convinced that their honour and value depend to their mahr. If they get all they want it's not the end of the problems because they want more and more. And the excuse is this is our right in islam.
Well, I also know some wonderfull older Arab ladies who are the example for me how to deal with a husband. I don't know where this custom with such high mahr from and for what?
I wish you the best in this new year, to get all your goals including sweet boy inshallah :)